Sometimes marriage comes right down to
admitting not only that you are wrong sometimes, but that you are terribly
flawed and acknowledging (out-loud) what those flaws are. Just the other day I
found myself struggling with the grace/unconditional love thing again. It
started from a spiritual perspective, but then moved to a human one and I
related it to my husband. I didn't have my journal or pen handy so I just began
typing all the things I was feeling. First, I typed what I felt God was saying
to me, then I responded with something like, "God, I don’t know how to
love You. I don’t know how to accept Your love. I don’t know how to love
others. I don’t know how to be loved. All I ever feel is how much I don’t
deserve to be loved by anyone. I don’t feel like I am worth anything that would
cost You Your whole life. I don’t understand why You saved me. I don’t know why
You did it. I don’t know how You could do it if you knew how I would be. Thank
You for that song. Thank You for people who capture the way I feel. The way so
many people feel. 'How could You do it, if You knew how I would be? How could
You say ‘unconditional love’?' If You knew that I would rebel against You, if
You knew that I would turn away from You, if You knew that I would disrespect
You and do my own thing, if You knew that I would hate You with the way I live
my life. If You knew I would be so silent, when it came to sharing Your name,
then why in the world did You die for me? All I hear You saying is “because I
love you, that’s why.” But I don’t understand that! It doesn’t make any sense
to me. Why did You die for me if this was all I was going to do with the life
that You saved? Why did You die for me if all I was going to do is live for
myself? My life cost You YOUR LIFE. That’s how much my life cost! You bought it
with the price of Yours. The price tag written on my life and my body is, 'The
Death of Jesus Christ'. How could I treat myself the way I do. How could I
misrepresent You in such a way? How could I be so selfish?" Let me just
say this was very liberating. Then I began to make a very honest list of the
ways that I am, that are not God-honoring. This is all hard for me to admit,
especially to all of you, but I found myself saying things like:
I feel like because I have a bad relationship with my mother, I don’t get along with women very well.
I feel like I have to compete with women and outdo them instead of just being their friend.
I feel like because my dad never says, “I love you” to me, I must fight for male attention.
I can get along with guys a lot easier than I can with girls.
I feel unloved by my father a lot, so therefore I feel that my husband doesn’t love me either.
I want my earthly father’s love, so no one else’s is ever good enough.
When I’m told to do something, I usually try to do the opposite.
If I don’t do the opposite of what I’m told, I will do it my own way or on my own time, to avoid being under someone else’s control.
I can’t stand being told what to do.
I am extremely independent.
I am a loner as in I’d rather spend time alone in peace and quiet than in large, noisy groups.
I would rather handle a big project by myself before I would ever ask for or welcome help.
I like getting credit or being praised for things.
I like being noticed and getting attention.
I like being right.
It’s hard for me to say, “Thank you.” And it’s hard for me to say, “I’m sorry.”
It’s hard for me to admit when I’m wrong.
I expect love, but it’s hard for me to give sometimes.
I want to be #1 in everybody’s book.
This was equally liberating, and I made an opposite list of each thing and prayed that God would change my heart and my attitudes in these areas. I know, I know, just a lot of psychoanalyzing, but for me, it was therapy. For some reason, just getting all those things out of paper has helped in my relationship with Justin immensely. I can't talk to him now without thinking first, "Am I going to say something that will hurt him?" "Would I want him to talk to me this way?" and my heart is being turned more towards serving him and making sure his needs are met. In such an inexplainable, beautiful way, he has responded back with taking care of my needs and I didn't even have to ask. By my serving him, he has seen fit to return it with his service. I've realized though, it doesn't have that much to do with us, but it does have to do with the fact that God has moved us out of the way and opened our eyes to each other in a whole new light. Anyways, just thought I'd share. It happened when we quit trying so hard to work on our marriage and do what we thought needed to be done to make things more pleasant. Just like when I knew I was going to marry Justin. He was there in my life for three years, but it wasn't until I stopped looking for a husband, that God opened my eyes and gave me Justin in a whole new way. As the great Charlie Hall once said, "Stop striving...just stop striving." Amen! Preach it! :)
I feel like because I have a bad relationship with my mother, I don’t get along with women very well.
I feel like I have to compete with women and outdo them instead of just being their friend.
I feel like because my dad never says, “I love you” to me, I must fight for male attention.
I can get along with guys a lot easier than I can with girls.
I feel unloved by my father a lot, so therefore I feel that my husband doesn’t love me either.
I want my earthly father’s love, so no one else’s is ever good enough.
When I’m told to do something, I usually try to do the opposite.
If I don’t do the opposite of what I’m told, I will do it my own way or on my own time, to avoid being under someone else’s control.
I can’t stand being told what to do.
I am extremely independent.
I am a loner as in I’d rather spend time alone in peace and quiet than in large, noisy groups.
I would rather handle a big project by myself before I would ever ask for or welcome help.
I like getting credit or being praised for things.
I like being noticed and getting attention.
I like being right.
It’s hard for me to say, “Thank you.” And it’s hard for me to say, “I’m sorry.”
It’s hard for me to admit when I’m wrong.
I expect love, but it’s hard for me to give sometimes.
I want to be #1 in everybody’s book.
This was equally liberating, and I made an opposite list of each thing and prayed that God would change my heart and my attitudes in these areas. I know, I know, just a lot of psychoanalyzing, but for me, it was therapy. For some reason, just getting all those things out of paper has helped in my relationship with Justin immensely. I can't talk to him now without thinking first, "Am I going to say something that will hurt him?" "Would I want him to talk to me this way?" and my heart is being turned more towards serving him and making sure his needs are met. In such an inexplainable, beautiful way, he has responded back with taking care of my needs and I didn't even have to ask. By my serving him, he has seen fit to return it with his service. I've realized though, it doesn't have that much to do with us, but it does have to do with the fact that God has moved us out of the way and opened our eyes to each other in a whole new light. Anyways, just thought I'd share. It happened when we quit trying so hard to work on our marriage and do what we thought needed to be done to make things more pleasant. Just like when I knew I was going to marry Justin. He was there in my life for three years, but it wasn't until I stopped looking for a husband, that God opened my eyes and gave me Justin in a whole new way. As the great Charlie Hall once said, "Stop striving...just stop striving." Amen! Preach it! :)
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