In Moments Like These

Yes, I am going through a trial.  I am doing all I know how to do which is RUN relentlessly into my Father's arms.  It is through this suffering that I am made like Him.  I would never know Him like this otherwise.  I want to soak Him up.  I want to breathe Him in.  I want to be nearer...ever nearer.  I don't want to focus on the trial, I want to focus on Christ.  It is very true that the more this desire increases, the enemy is right there to stop it.  It is a war going on all the time in the spiritual realms.  Sometimes I see it and sometimes I feel it.  I see dark shadows out of the corner of my eye and I feel the cold.

I think it would be easy to give in to depression or anxiety.  There are honestly some days when I feel depressed or anxious, but I have to cling to the Truth that "our God IS greater, our God is stronger, our God is higher than any other".  Sometimes when I'm depressed I feel that way for so long that I almost get comfortable feeling like that.  Anxiety and panic are powerful things.  People say, "Oh, just pray about it." or "Just relax..." "Just calm down..." and sometimes when you're in the middle of a panic attack, it's all you can do to just take one breath...one deep cleansing breath and calm down. Lately, when these feelings come upon me, I literally have to drop down to the ground, wherever I am and PRAY.  I have done this in the living room, in the hallway, in the bedroom, in the bathroom...by a chair, by the bed, in the middle of the floor, by the dishwasher.  It doesn't really matter...what's awesome, amazing, and comforting is that the Lord IS THERE...He's EVERYWHERE.

For anyone else who has ever felt an anxiety or panic attack, sometimes you're trying so hard to calm yourself down and get your mind off of it, that you're actually making it worse.  It's like the pink elephant thing.  Don't think of pink elephants, okay, what-are-you-thinking-about thing.  For me, some type of soothing music helps and lately, listening to John Piper sermons helps.  Sometimes when you're in a season of dwelling under a cloud of depression, you can almost start to feel safer there than when you were out from under it.  I don't know if that makes sense to anyone.  Again, it's a very "powerful" thing.  It's almost like your mind is playing tricks on you.  It's very hard to explain to someone who has never felt it or been there before.  Again, people tell you, "Look on the bright side of things..." or "Don't worry, be happy..." or again, "Just pray about it, just read your Bible, just worship..." and it's like they can say that all they want, but actually making it happen is a totally different thing.

I guess the only advice I can offer, having been there before and even going through it now at times is, you can't FOCUS on the anxiety, the panic, or the depression.  You can't let it take over your mind.  Put Christ back in the Center, as the Focus, as the balance.  I'm not much of a New Age Eastern meditation type person, but in one way I understand it.  I'm not talking about "finding yourself" or digging in deeper to your soul to find the real you or something weird.  I'm talking about finding Christ.  I'm talking about tapping into the REAL power of the Holy Spirit.  I can honestly say that THAT energy is ALL that sustains me.  "In him we live and move and have our being..."  He is the ONLY reason I get out of bed every day.  He is the ONLY reason I breathe in and out every moment.  Knowing that this trial is a "light and momentary affliction" gives me peace...gives me hope...

I literally have to pray OUT LOUD to God and cry out to Him, acknowledge Him as the Author of my life and literally cling to the fact that He allowed this for a Kingdom reason and He will see me to the other side.  He hand-picked this trial especially for me.  He never intended for me to handle it alone.  I, on my own, in my own power am NOT capable of handling it and that's OKAY!  That's where God WANTS me to be.  If I thought I could handle it, then what would I need Him for?  Living in utter dependence upon Him for every single moment is right where He wants me to be.  It's the safest place on this earth.

What about the people who don't know this?  Who don't have this hope?  The people who try to handle it all, but they don't have to.  Do they know they don't have to?  I have to tell someone...I have to tell someone NOW!  How can I keep this all to myself?  "Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is FREEDOM indeed."  Doesn't everyone want to be free?