Okay, kiddos are down for their nap after lunch. So, here we go! Where did we leave off yesterday? Oh yeah, I talk too much! I can't help but think of more songs here, but one song totally comes to mind and totally embraces what I am trying to say: "Loss for Words" by Tait. The link is at the bottom so you can listen to it there. Do you ever have one of those encounters where after it's over, you remember everything you wanted to say? You can't really remember what you actually said, but you're sure you forgot what you really wanted to say. So, whatever you did end up saying was probably pointless and meaningless and the real meat of what you planned to say got left out. I hate it when that happens. It's funny that the title of this song is called "Loss for Words" because it's more about saying too much than being speechless and not saying enough. What happens to me is just what the chorus says, "'Cause what I wanted to say, never came out the way I wanted it to, I wanted it to; 'Cause what I wanted to say, only got in the way, I never meant to hurt you, but I didn't have a clue." That's me all over. I have no intention of hurting anyone with my words, but that's exactly what ends up happening. I guess I get surprised when people get hurt because my thought is, "If you really know me, then you should already know my heart and my intentions." and I get shocked when people assume the worst about me and take me superficially at face value.
The end of the song says, "Empty words cannot suffice, I've been running from what I know is right, when only Yours are words of life." For me, that's the part that really pierces my heart and gets me in my gut because when I am walking daily with the Lord, communing with Him, talking to Him and listening to Him, the Holy Spirit inside of me is strengthened and the Lord is more likely to spill out of me. When it's me on my own and I'm in my own flesh, I have more of a tendency to speak selfishly. That's more of the Romans 7 concept of being internally at war with the flesh and the Spirit battling inside of me all the day long.
....sorry for the delay...I was filling out my Spiritual Gifts Survey from church.
When I take the time to step back and really take a look at myself, I see a somewhat narcissistic, outspoken, opinionated, short-tempered, legalistic, over-analytic porcupine with sharp quills that will poison you if you get too close to me. Wow...did I just say that out loud? I'm sort of a skunk really, that may appear cute and cuddly on the outside, but if you make me mad I'll spray you off with foul-spelling poison that will wreak for weeks and make you stay away from me! What I really want to do is dig down even deeper and ask myself, "Who does God say that I am?" "What does God see when He looks at me?" "What kind of person does God desire me to be?" You know what verses God JUST NOW brought to my heart after typing that out? Look below:
"4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."
~1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (NIV)
~1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (NIV)
I'll come back to these verses in a minute. While I was typing out this post, I stopped to do my Spiritual Gifts Survey because it's been sitting there for almost a week now and I haven't done it yet. I said earlier while talking with friends about how I am feeling, that every time I do a Spiritual Gifts Survey, it comes out that I have the Gift of Prophecy every time. When I did this one, it actually came out that I have the spiritual gifts of Discernment, Faith, and Mercy. Prophecy was the next highest on the list followed by Service and Knowledge. The one statement on the survey that I starred like 10 times because it's the MOST true of me is this: "I have spiritual insights from Scripture concerning issues and people that compel me to speak out." THIS is what I have been trying to say. When I speak out about something, I speak out STRONGLY. I have a passionate fire burning inside of me that wants to proclaim the Truth and stand up for Justice BOLDLY! Maybe I should have been a lawyer, (or a politician), I don't know. When I feel like something is wrong, like common sense wrong, I HAVE to say something about it. I am more legalistic than I would like to be in that the sky is blue, the grass is green, 1+1=2, black is black, white is white, there's on and there's off, and I DON'T like gray areas. When something is wrong, it's wrong! You're either right or you're wrong, you're either hot or cold, you can't be both. When an injustice has been done, or God's Word defamed, I feel a righteous anger burning inside of me and I HAVE to speak up about it! It's almost like it goes against everything I am to keep my mouth closed, sit on my hands, and be silent about it!
The problem happens when I assume that everyone thinks the same way I do. Often I make the mistake of having this mindset: "Well if this is true for me, and if everyone is looking at the same thing I am, then they see it the same way I do, right?" WRONG. It's like, "Okay, we're all looking up at the sky, right? What color is it? Blue. It's blue to the entire world and the entire human race and to everyone on the face of planet earth, right?" RIGHT. So sometimes I feel like every issue should be that way to everyone and I'm shocked sometimes that people don't see things the way I do when they make so much rock-solid sense in my head. Sometimes it's the same way for the truths of Scripture. Sin is sin and I can't stand it when people try to excuse sin and shove it under the rug and call it something else! Do you realize that Jesus died for that sin and He obviously takes it VERY seriously! Otherwise, He wouldn't have sent His ONE AND ONLY Son to DIE for YOU so you could pretend that what you've done or what you're doing is not so bad. Here's where God slaps me in the face though, "Who made you Me Wendy and who are you to judge?" God didn't send me into the world to judge everyone! God didn't send me into the world to be everyone's Holy Spirit and convict them all of their sin! It's NOT my job! Most of the time I need to quit worrying about what everyone else is doing and just worry about my own sins! What I've been struggling with through these posts though is that I'm still burdened for people when they're making sinful choices that are obviously not lined up with the will of God. My problem is, "How do I communicate that to them effectively?" And here is the Lord's answer:
"1 If I speak in the tongues[a] of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames,[b] but have not love, I gain nothing."
~1 Corinthians 13:1-3 (NIV)
Ugh...now I am balling. I have been searching for answers on what the Lord is trying to tell me and He has just answered. My Spiritual Gifts Survey says I have the gift of prophecy, knowledge, and faith...but so what? If I can't LOVE people, then I am NOTHING. How do I communicate the truths of Scripture to people? How do I get MY REAL HEART out? How does my life become a pleasing aroma and a blessing to others? How do I keep friends and loved ones near me without pushing them away? By LOVING them. Declaring the Truth and standing up for what I believe in doesn't mean I have to compromise Christ or the Gospel. The Truth and Christ and the Gospel all have LOVE interwoven through them! So now I'm on the journey of..."How do I learn to LOVE?" One of my most favorite lines in the song I shared in one of my earlier posts was, "Jesus, what would You do? Can you teach me how to love like You?" and the chorus is even more powerful and it says, "I wanna give You everything, but I've got nothing of my own at all. And if I give what I have not got, will You fill me up and make me whole?"
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