Do you remember a time before cell phones? Do you remember a time before email? Can you imagine functioning in this world without computers, TV, or the Internet? On one hand, these advancements in technology are GREAT! On the other hand, we are allowing these things to suck the life out of us. I love the commercial I've seen on TV now where the Dad comes home from work and he walks in to talk to his wife, and she's on the computer, he walks in his son's room and he's playing a video game, he walks in his daughter's room and she's hooked up to her iPod. Everyone in his family is electronically plugged in, so what does the Dad do? He shuts the breaker off and cooks dinner outside! He FORCES his family to have family time!
Please hear my heart and don't get me wrong. I DO think that email, Facebook, and cell phones are all great ways to stay in touch with people. I am sad though because I feel like we've LOST that family time. In one way, we are all more connected than ever through social networking and that's good! We've found friends and found ways to stay in touch that no one ever thought possible (Skype, Face Time, etc.), but on the other hand, we've lost the art of face-to-face personal interaction. Do you remember the days when you used to go over to someone's house and visit and have coffee or tea together? Do you remember the days when you used to take the time to write a handwritten letter or send a card?
I know it's redundant to say "write" and "handwritten" in the same sentence, but did you ever think we'd see a day when teachers were actually having trouble getting their students to write actual words instead of writing their papers the same way they text? Could you actually believe that some students have forgotten the real words and only communicate in "text talk"? Who knew that one day they'd take cursive writing and penmanship courses out of elementary school because the art of handwriting is now a lost art? I was talking to a youth the other day who said her friend was going to have to go to the doctor because she had "text neck". TEXT NECK???? Do what??? She explained that her neck was hurt because of the way she holds her head to look at her phone all day. I've also heard reports that texting is bad for your hands, your thumbs, and your wrists. Who knew we'd ever have actual, physical ailments from TEXTING? Who knew that one day people would actually be KILLED for texting while driving?
I started this series of posts with music from the 50's. Back then, who would have ever thought you'd see a day and a future like today? I know I can't pretend it's still 1957, but sometimes I wish it was. Sometimes I wish we could go back. Look how far we've come. We've lost our moral compass...the line between right and wrong is almost non-existent now. What was once done in the dark is now being done in broad daylight! Children have lost respect for their parents and parents have given up. The sanctity of marriage has now been attacked and everything has become permissible for everyone. Where have we come from? What scares me more is where are we going? How did we get here?
We've got to put Christ back on the throne in our families and commit to fight against the tide and follow God no matter what! We can't compromise and we can't fit in. The Word tell us to be in the world, but not of it. I'm finding the more I plug myself into all of this technology, the less I am plugged in to the Word and the Power of the Holy Spirit. I can't forsake the reading of my Bible, the underlining, the journaling, the taking notes for a more convenient, electronic version. Somewhere you lose the intimacy. We can't forsake the meeting together of God's people in exchange for a more convenient, web conference demonstration. We need the physical fellowship of God's people. We need their hands for handshakes and pats on the back, their arms for hugs, and their faces for smiles and their mouths for words of encouragement. Wonderful words of life...God's words are getting lost. I find it best described this way in a warning from Amos: "'The days are coming,' declares the Sovereign LORD, 'when I will send a famine through the land—not a famine of food or a thirst for water, but a famine of hearing the words of the LORD.'" --Amos 8:11
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Friday, October 21, 2011
My Personal Testimony
Taking a break from the "Lost" series to share my personal testimony for those of you who have never heard it. The song I was saved to is available for you to hear at the end of the story. My heart and my prayer is that God will touch you through my sharing of how He has touched me and changed my life. --W
Introduction
The doctors told my mother, “If we
don’t operate, you will die. If we DO operate, you will lose your child.” “I
want this child to live.” She replied.
Despite the warnings from the doctors that the cancer would cause the
child to be retarded, malformed, or missing body parts, my mother gave me a
chance. On Christmas day 1978, my mother
and I were in ICU at St. Mary’s Hospital.
The hospital chaplain stood close by, ready to send both our souls to
heaven. My father was bracing himself
for the loss of both his wife and his second daughter. There were code blues all around, people
dying everywhere. At 10:27a.m. I came
out…stillborn. The nurses laid me off to
the side and started working on me.
After three minutes, the first breath.
4 lbs. 10 oz. and two weeks in an incubator, but other than that, I was
perfectly fine. Now it was God who was
giving out the chances.
“Before
I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart;”
~Jeremiah 1:5a (NIV)
My Life “Before”
I was not raised in a
Christian home. I went to a Lutheran
church when I was in kindergarten, and shortly after that, we stopped going to
church. When I was 8 years old I saw a
Billy Graham Crusade on television. At
the end of his preaching he said, “If you’ve never asked Jesus to come into
your heart, pray this prayer with me.” I
had never done that before so I prayed the Sinner’s Prayer with Billy Graham on
TV. In my mind, I thought that the words
I was saying were magic and that I would wake up the next day magically
transformed into a “new creation” just like Billy Graham said. So, I went to bed and awoke the next day and
just lay there for a minute. I pinched
myself and checked to make sure I still had all my fingers and toes and I ran
to the mirror in the bathroom. I thought
to myself, “Hmm, I don’t look any
different, I don’t feel any different. I
must have done something wrong. It didn’t work. I guess God doesn’t want me.”
And I lived the rest of my life with this mentality.
During my high school years I was very
depressed. My mother had suffered a
stroke when I was 14 and ever since then I built up a lot of anger and
bitterness because I had to take care of her and I didn’t think it was fair. I didn’t like my family, I didn’t like being
home, so I made whatever effort I could to get away from there. I got involved in every extra curricular
activity you could think of. I was in
band, jazz band, full orchestra, percussion lessons, drum corp, choir, show
choir, all-state choir, and finally drama and contest speech. I didn’t know how else to get away except to
perform. I was so busy that I didn’t
even take the time to eat. I didn’t have
an issue with eating or with my body. I
just didn’t eat, didn’t have time. On
the day they announced my nomination for band queen, I nearly passed out on the
practice field and had to be carried to the school nurse. She proceeded to tell me, “Anorexia is a very
harmful eating disorder.” And I was like, “Excuse me? I don’t have an eating
disorder.” And she said, “Denial is just as harmful.” And no matter what I
said, I couldn’t convince this lady that I was simply too busy to eat!
Well, all the busyness and stress that I put my body
through, led me to two trips to the emergency room because of panic and anxiety
attacks. On my second visit the doctor
said to me, “Why did you come to the emergency room? What do you expect from
us?” and I told him, “I expect you guys to make me feel better.” And he said,
“Well, look at you. You’ve been lying here by yourself for about 30 minutes and
your heart rate has gone down, your breathing is controlled, and we haven’t
done a thing.
You have the power to calm yourself down, and you have the power to
make yourself feel better.” And with that, all the stress and tightness in my
chest was gone!
When the night our school announced the new band
queen came around, the announcer had this to say about me: “Wendy will attend Oklahoma State University
and major in Instrumental Music Education.”
When he announced everyone else, he said, “so and so plans to attend here and plans to do this or that”.
I actually typed up his script and on mine, I made sure he said, “Wendy will…” because that’s how sure I was of my future. Shortly after that, I auditioned at Oklahoma
State University with a snare solo, a tympani solo, and my marimba solo that
had been winning me perfect scores all year.
I totally bombed the audition. I
couldn’t figure out for the life of me, what went wrong, so I also auditioned
at the University of Central Oklahoma in Edmond. This is where my two older sisters went to
college and being the rebellious, little sister that I was, I was NOT going to
follow them anywhere. Well guess what, I
did the same audition with the same exact pieces at UCO and they gave me a full
tuition 4-year scholarship in Instrumental Music Education. So, I got the major I wanted, and God got the
school.
“’For
I know the plans I have for you’, declares the Lord,’ plans to prosper you and
not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” ~Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)
The Night I Was “Saved”
So here I am, a
freshman in college rooming with her older sister. Great, I was the annoying tag-along
again. That’s the last thing I wanted to
be. The weekend before classes started
my sister and her boyfriend invited me to church. I came up with every excuse in the book not
to go. This is what I had always done
when she invited me to church, and it worked before, so I figured it would work
now. Well, it didn’t. I said, “I don’t have anything to wear.” She
replied with, “You can borrow one of my dresses.” And I said, “Well, I don’t
have a Bible.” And she said, “You can borrow mine.” And I said, “But your
church is like 30 minutes away and you know how I hate riding in the car for
that long.” And she said, “Oh come on, it’s really not that long, you’re
going.” So Sunday morning came around and I said, “I don’t feel good. My
stomach hurts, I think I need some Pepto.” And she responded with, “You’re fine
and you’re going.” So there we went all the way to Bethany to Council Road
Baptist Church. My right foot crossed
the threshold of the front door and I immediately felt like I was at home. I thought, “Ooo, that feels weird.” And tried
to ignore it.
Classes started that
week and then my sister invited me to the Baptist Student Union (BSU) on campus
for these meetings in the middle of the day that they called “Noonday”. Again I went, reluctantly. I kept thinking, “I am not going to keep
following you around so everyone I meet can say, ‘Oh is this your little
sister? Wow, you guys look soooo much alike! You could pass for twins’”
*rolling of eyes*
The first event the BSU had scheduled was a Praise
Night where they invited a band called “Little Us” to come and lead praise and
worship on a Thursday night. It was
Thursday, August 28th, 1997.
I went with my sister and her friends and sat in the back row. I really enjoyed the music even though I
tried to pretend that I wasn’t having any fun.
Throughout the night, the words of the songs starting getting to me. I really started listening to what they were
saying and I thought, “Can you really talk to God like that? Like He’s
like…right there? Can He really hold you like this song says? Can you really
sit with Him someplace and just have a normal conversation with Him?” and while
the songs were going on, I started to physically feel very tired. The band then sang a song that would change
my life forever. The song is called,
“Rest Easy” and is originally by a band called Audio Adrenaline.
Here are the words of the song:
“Rest easy, have no fear. I love you perfectly, perfect love drives out
fear. I’ll take your burdens, you take My grace. Rest easy, in My embrace.” And
even now I can hear the song playing in my head and the tune brings tears to my
eyes. “Little Us” sang this chorus over
and over and over again. The more they
sang it, the more it got to me. I sat
down and I put my head in my hands and I said, “God, I’m so tired. I’m tired of
making my own decisions, I’m tired of doing this life on my own. I need You to
hold me. I need Your help. I don’t want to make any more decisions without You.
I don’t want to take another step without You. I don’t want to think another
thought or say another word with You.” And that’s when it happened. That’s when I gave up. That’s when God caught me. I literally felt His arms wrap around me in
such a tangible way, I cannot even explain it.
The only way I can explain it is to say that when I sat down, I was
alone, and when I stood up, God was with me.
Now let me say that again in a different way. God was with me all along, but it wasn’t
until that moment that I realized it and it wasn’t until then that I invited
Him to be a part of my life. He was not
invited in because of some “magic words” I said. He was invited in because the Holy Spirit
said it was time, and my heart finally answered the call.
“Here
I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the
door, I will come in…” ~Revelation 3:20 (NIV)
My Life “After”
On October 12th,
1997 I was baptized at Council Road Baptist Church in Bethany, OK. Shortly after I was baptized, the Lord called
me again. I woke up at 3 a.m. one
morning in my dorm room. I was
absolutely wide-awake and had no clue why.
So, I did something had my sister known about it, she probably would
have killed me. I walked outside to the
volleyball courts that were right outside and sat by the edge and started
playing with the sand. Keep in mind,
this is 3 a.m. While I was picking up
handfuls of sand I looked at it and thought, “If I hold on to this sand very
tightly, it won’t run out through my fingers, but if I start to open up my hand
even just a little, the sand starts to run out.” I was still in my first
semester of school and had already started not doing well in my music
classes. This was very hard for me
because music was my life and I could not understand why I wasn’t doing
well. So as I sat there I thought, “I
have music in one hand and God in the other. God is opening up my hand and
taking music away from me.” And that’s when the river of tears came and I
mourned over my lost love for music.
God told me that I would not be happy serving the god
I had created out of music so I decided to give God the glory for me being at
UCO and not music. That’s when God
promised me that He would give music back to me one day, but not in the way
that I thought. I didn’t know all of the
details, I simply trusted Him. God told
me that I would not be happy unless I was serving Him 24-7. He was asking me to let go of music for now
and fill up both of my hands with Him and help Him form the beautiful sand
castle that He was creating out of my life.
I believe this to be the night that God called me into the ministry.
Shortly after that
night, some students from the BSU went with the BSU president on a trip to
Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary in Fort Worth, Texas to search out
God’s calling for their lives. It was
during this trip that I wrote the first three poems in the “After”
section. While I was there, I figured
that the music ministry was naturally what God wanted me to do, but after
attending several different sessions, I felt myself leaning towards youth
ministry and Christian counseling.
Not long after that, I went on a walk with my sister
across campus and told her that I was going to give up my music
scholarship. I explained to her my
calling into the ministry, and she explained to me the cost of tuition on my
own. Despite her warnings, I gave it up, and just like she said, I didn’t
have enough money or the grades to keep attending school. I changed my major to journalism and kept
attending the BSU. I met a guy named
Trey Bechtold who was in the BSU praise band.
I told him I was a percussionist and that I could sing, and he invited
me to join them for practice one day.
Since I really didn’t have an instrument to play, they gave me a
tambourine! From then on I was known
around the BSU as “Tambourine Girl” and to this day a drumhead hangs on the
wall by the director’s office with all of our signatures on it along with mine
that reads “Wendy Johnson aka ‘Tambourine Girl’”.
Well, due to my poor grades, I had to take a semester
off of school. It was then, in the
summer of 1998 that I got a job working at First Baptist Church of Enid in the
Kinder Konnection daycare. The church
had just split and I came to help out with the youth group. I went to a Point of Grace concert in October
and saw a guy do a really awesome guitar solo so I told my friend who was with
me, “I want to learn how to play the guitar.” So she gave me a mini guitar and
a chord book and I practiced and practiced and practiced and taught myself how
to play.
In January of 1999 I returned to UCO and changed my
major again to Family and Child Development.
I played with the BSU praise band again and became so involved with the
BSU that I neglected school again and was no longer able to attend. Back home, my mother had just injured her
back and no one was able to take care of her.
So I stayed home and worked at the daycare and took care of my
mother. I started leading worship for
the youth group at First Baptist and I started attending the BSU in Enid. It was there while I was leading worship for
one of our small group Bible studies that I met the man that I was going to
marry, although neither of us realized it for a very long time.
During this journey, God has taken me down some very
winding roads. Some of these roads could
possibly have been avoided had I just remained on track. It is only now that I am on the other side of
the trials that I see a reason and a purpose for each event that happened in my
life. Even though some roads were harder
than others, they still led me to my husband, my church, and my ministry.
“That
is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships,
in persecutions, and in difficulties. For when I am weak, than I am strong.”
~2
Corinthians 12:10 (NIV)
Monday, October 17, 2011
Lost: Part 2
Did you all ever read "Choose Your Own Adventure" stories as kids? For those of you who don't know what they are...they were stories written with two paths and two endings and depending on which path you took, you got to choose which pages to read and which adventure to have while reading the book! You couldn't read every page of the book, only the pages on your path. For instance, you could choose to follow story A or story B and if you were on story A's path, the book would say, "Okay, for the next part, turn to page 27..." and the story would continue and then "turn to page 34" or whatever. You couldn't read every page like you do a "normal" book. Sometimes I would read it and choose A and then I would read it again and choose B the second time.
When you think about it, life is kind of like a choose your own adventure story. We're all on a journey and God is writing a story out of all of our lives. We face choices every single day on which path we're going to take. As I look back on my short life, I can already see where my choices led me. Some choices led me in good directions, other choices in bad directions. Sometimes I wish I could go back like I could in the books and start over and choose the RIGHT path the next time around.
Here's the thing though, only God knows the end of the story. God can see the end when we can't. I am glad I waited to write this post because our Pastor just talked about this in church yesterday. All of us have a destination or a point in our life that we're trying to get to. We can't see the destination or where we're going to end up, but we just need to trust in the fact that God can. I know it's totally frustrating, even for me because I want to know the answers, I want to see the light, and I want to know the end of my story! Or do I? In the movie, "Big Fish" the people get to see "how they go" meaning how they die, or how their life ends. Maybe I don't want to know how my life ends because if I'm focused on the end, I'll forget to live for right now and I'll miss what's going on right now.
When I first found out I was pregnant, like many mothers, you naturally start "planning" in your head. Will it be a girl or a boy? Will my daughter like to sing? Will my son want to play sports or the drums or both? What will they look like? Where will they go to school? Who will they marry? How many grandchildren will they give me? Okay...maybe you don't think THAT far ahead...but sometimes I do. My daughter will only be 18-months old this week, but sometimes when I look at her and watch her while she's playing with her stuffed animals, her "babies" as she likes to call them...sometimes I flash forward in my mind to the day when she is a Mommy too. Don't get me wrong, I don't DWELL there forever, but I do think about it. Then the Lord brings me back to reality and just reminds me to be happy in the moment and not worry about the future. In some ways, it's okay to think about the future and "plan" a few things in your mind and heart about how you will raise your children, but what God is reminding me of right now is that I don't have to know everything right now.
In our MOPS meeting last week they talked about how women plan while they're pregnant that they will have a perfectly clean house and perfectly well-behaved children ALL the time...and then they have kids and reality sets in. I was definitely the kind of mother who wanted to have it ALL planned out and with Isaac, I had him very scheduled, but when Jenna came along, the schedule kinda went out the window and that's OKAY. I am learning to let go a lot...I am learning the things that are worth fretting over and the things that "won't matter a hill of beans in eternity" as our Pastor likes to say.
As a parent, it's natural to want your children to avoid as many pitfalls on their path and journey as possible. You want to protect them from all the bad stuff they could encounter. After all, you were their age once and you know what can happen, right? Sort of. I won't be able to protect my son or my daughter from everything so instead of worrying about all of their choices, what I can do is pray for them. While I have them in my care, I can instill God's Word in them ever mindful that they are ALWAYS in the Lord's care even when they stray. I can't guarantee that they're always going to make good choices or the right choices in their lives, but that doesn't mean I can take a backseat on teaching them the principles from Scripture that God has laid out in His Word.
I was thinking about this when the Pastor was preaching yesterday about discerning God's will and direction for our lives. Is it possible for a Christian to still be lost or still get lost? I'm not talking about losing your salvation or anything like that. I mean once Jesus has found you and you are His, is it possible to get lost on your way? I think it's possible for us to make the choice to stray away from God and off the path we know He has set for us. Like the Pastor said though, that's when God disciplines us for our actions and choices and we have to suffer the consequences of our sin. The most comforting thing to me is the knowledge that God's eye is always on me. I can never stray too far. The arm of the Lord is not too short to save. I am never out of His reach. Nothing, not even myself or my sinful choices can EVER snatch me out of His hand. Isn't that a wonderful, safe, comforting thought? God is never going to lose me.
When you think about it, life is kind of like a choose your own adventure story. We're all on a journey and God is writing a story out of all of our lives. We face choices every single day on which path we're going to take. As I look back on my short life, I can already see where my choices led me. Some choices led me in good directions, other choices in bad directions. Sometimes I wish I could go back like I could in the books and start over and choose the RIGHT path the next time around.
Here's the thing though, only God knows the end of the story. God can see the end when we can't. I am glad I waited to write this post because our Pastor just talked about this in church yesterday. All of us have a destination or a point in our life that we're trying to get to. We can't see the destination or where we're going to end up, but we just need to trust in the fact that God can. I know it's totally frustrating, even for me because I want to know the answers, I want to see the light, and I want to know the end of my story! Or do I? In the movie, "Big Fish" the people get to see "how they go" meaning how they die, or how their life ends. Maybe I don't want to know how my life ends because if I'm focused on the end, I'll forget to live for right now and I'll miss what's going on right now.
When I first found out I was pregnant, like many mothers, you naturally start "planning" in your head. Will it be a girl or a boy? Will my daughter like to sing? Will my son want to play sports or the drums or both? What will they look like? Where will they go to school? Who will they marry? How many grandchildren will they give me? Okay...maybe you don't think THAT far ahead...but sometimes I do. My daughter will only be 18-months old this week, but sometimes when I look at her and watch her while she's playing with her stuffed animals, her "babies" as she likes to call them...sometimes I flash forward in my mind to the day when she is a Mommy too. Don't get me wrong, I don't DWELL there forever, but I do think about it. Then the Lord brings me back to reality and just reminds me to be happy in the moment and not worry about the future. In some ways, it's okay to think about the future and "plan" a few things in your mind and heart about how you will raise your children, but what God is reminding me of right now is that I don't have to know everything right now.
In our MOPS meeting last week they talked about how women plan while they're pregnant that they will have a perfectly clean house and perfectly well-behaved children ALL the time...and then they have kids and reality sets in. I was definitely the kind of mother who wanted to have it ALL planned out and with Isaac, I had him very scheduled, but when Jenna came along, the schedule kinda went out the window and that's OKAY. I am learning to let go a lot...I am learning the things that are worth fretting over and the things that "won't matter a hill of beans in eternity" as our Pastor likes to say.
As a parent, it's natural to want your children to avoid as many pitfalls on their path and journey as possible. You want to protect them from all the bad stuff they could encounter. After all, you were their age once and you know what can happen, right? Sort of. I won't be able to protect my son or my daughter from everything so instead of worrying about all of their choices, what I can do is pray for them. While I have them in my care, I can instill God's Word in them ever mindful that they are ALWAYS in the Lord's care even when they stray. I can't guarantee that they're always going to make good choices or the right choices in their lives, but that doesn't mean I can take a backseat on teaching them the principles from Scripture that God has laid out in His Word.
I was thinking about this when the Pastor was preaching yesterday about discerning God's will and direction for our lives. Is it possible for a Christian to still be lost or still get lost? I'm not talking about losing your salvation or anything like that. I mean once Jesus has found you and you are His, is it possible to get lost on your way? I think it's possible for us to make the choice to stray away from God and off the path we know He has set for us. Like the Pastor said though, that's when God disciplines us for our actions and choices and we have to suffer the consequences of our sin. The most comforting thing to me is the knowledge that God's eye is always on me. I can never stray too far. The arm of the Lord is not too short to save. I am never out of His reach. Nothing, not even myself or my sinful choices can EVER snatch me out of His hand. Isn't that a wonderful, safe, comforting thought? God is never going to lose me.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Lost: Part 1
The other day I was watching TV and saw one of those commercials for a set of CD's of music from the 50's. I think it was one of those Time Life CD specials. I'm in an emotional mood, so bear with me. :) I don't know what it was about these songs, but it made me cry. It made me reflect on how times have changed since then. I wasn't alive in the 50's, I was born in the late 70's and remember 80's music better than anything because it's what I grew up listening to. You know how you hear a song and it just takes you back to that time? Well, when I heard some of these 50's songs, it made me think, "Wow...back when music was really music." I started crying listening to some of the memorable songs and I said to my husband, "Honey, think about it...can you imagine someone like Lady Gaga being around back then?" and it really broke my heart. Now I'm going to get a bunch of hate mail from Lady Gaga fans. Please hear my heart. I love music and I love all kinds of music. Before I was a Christian when I was in high school, I actually used to love listening to Marilyn Manson because I sincerely thought, "Hey, he's a music artist too and he's got something to say just like everybody else." and it's true. Here's the thing and this is the point, no beating around the bush, I'm gonna get right to it. Every human being on the face of the planet is born with a soul and that soul is going to end up in either heaven or hell when they die. That's true for Marilyn Manson or Lady Gaga, the female version of Marilyn Manson. It's true for Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, the school janitor, the homeless man on the street, and EVERYONE who has ever lived or will ever live.
Now this is the point I want to make about music and this is the best way I can think of to explain it. "Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things." ~Philippians 4:8 This verse sums up everything I want to say and says it way better than I ever could. Let me talk about what this verse DOESN'T mean first. I am not trying to say that just because you're a Christian then that means you should only listen to Christian music. I'm not that close-minded, but what I AM saying is that if you really are a Christian and the Holy Spirit sincerely dwells inside of you and inside of your soul, then you should want to listen to Christian music. Let me explain that a little further. Before we became Christians, we were existing in our sinful flesh. When you become a Christian and ask Jesus into your heart, the sinful flesh is still there...it's still a part of you. The DIFFERENCE is that when you ask Jesus into your heart, He also gives you the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit is there to convict you, and to be your conscience to remind you of right and wrong. So, desiring to listen to Christian music is a desire to find out more about God, draw nearer to His heart, and get to know Him more. This desire doesn't come to you naturally, but it is given to you by the Holy Spirit and should come from the overflow of a heart that desires to be close to God. For example, the other day my husband had the Country Music video station on and a Luke Bryant video was on and he was singing, "Shake it for me girl, shake it for me girl, shake it for me..." over and over again. I thought to myself, "How can a person sing the phrase 'shake it for me girl' with passion and conviction?" and then my thought went even deeper and the Holy Spirit said to me, "Luke Bryant and his lips were designed to give glory and honor and praise to God...but he doesn't know it."
And that's just it right there. Every human being on the planet was designed to bring glory, honor, and praise to God, but they all don't know it. Why? Because they're lost. I believe that what you dwell on with your mind will eventually come out of your heart. I have to ask myself, "What do I spend time thinking about? What does my mind dwell on? Do these thoughts honor God?" When you ask Jesus to be Lord of your life, then you have to give Him your WHOLE life and all the little stuff too, from the music you listen to, to the way that you dress. Girls, when you get dressed in the morning, ask yourself, "Does this outfit honor God? Would God be pleased with the way I am dressed?" I know it's hard...when the world is telling you what to listen to and how to dress, you feel outnumbered. I know it might not seem so at the time, but it is WORTH IT to go against the grain. I don't know how many people have ever seen the music video for Switchfoot's "I Dare You To Move" but in the music video, there is a man who gets up and makes a choice to run with all of his might, but he runs right into a crowd. The crowd is going the other way, and he is running against them with everything he has. To me, this is what that song is trying to say. It says, "I dare you to move, I dare you to move, I dare you to pick yourself off of the floor..." and it's saying, "I dare you to make a choice today. I dare you to turn the page today. I dare you to do something different today. I dare you to stand up for Christ today." Even when it's the unpopular thing to do. Even if you will lose a friend over it. I dare you to forget about what the world has to say and to worry more about what God has to say.
Watch the video and tell me what you think it means. I think it's a picture of an individual who has chosen to stand up for Christ and run in relentless pursuit of Him...no matter what the rest of the world has to say.
What do you think? Click on the video below:
"Dare You To Move" by Switchfoot
Now this is the point I want to make about music and this is the best way I can think of to explain it. "Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things." ~Philippians 4:8 This verse sums up everything I want to say and says it way better than I ever could. Let me talk about what this verse DOESN'T mean first. I am not trying to say that just because you're a Christian then that means you should only listen to Christian music. I'm not that close-minded, but what I AM saying is that if you really are a Christian and the Holy Spirit sincerely dwells inside of you and inside of your soul, then you should want to listen to Christian music. Let me explain that a little further. Before we became Christians, we were existing in our sinful flesh. When you become a Christian and ask Jesus into your heart, the sinful flesh is still there...it's still a part of you. The DIFFERENCE is that when you ask Jesus into your heart, He also gives you the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit is there to convict you, and to be your conscience to remind you of right and wrong. So, desiring to listen to Christian music is a desire to find out more about God, draw nearer to His heart, and get to know Him more. This desire doesn't come to you naturally, but it is given to you by the Holy Spirit and should come from the overflow of a heart that desires to be close to God. For example, the other day my husband had the Country Music video station on and a Luke Bryant video was on and he was singing, "Shake it for me girl, shake it for me girl, shake it for me..." over and over again. I thought to myself, "How can a person sing the phrase 'shake it for me girl' with passion and conviction?" and then my thought went even deeper and the Holy Spirit said to me, "Luke Bryant and his lips were designed to give glory and honor and praise to God...but he doesn't know it."
And that's just it right there. Every human being on the planet was designed to bring glory, honor, and praise to God, but they all don't know it. Why? Because they're lost. I believe that what you dwell on with your mind will eventually come out of your heart. I have to ask myself, "What do I spend time thinking about? What does my mind dwell on? Do these thoughts honor God?" When you ask Jesus to be Lord of your life, then you have to give Him your WHOLE life and all the little stuff too, from the music you listen to, to the way that you dress. Girls, when you get dressed in the morning, ask yourself, "Does this outfit honor God? Would God be pleased with the way I am dressed?" I know it's hard...when the world is telling you what to listen to and how to dress, you feel outnumbered. I know it might not seem so at the time, but it is WORTH IT to go against the grain. I don't know how many people have ever seen the music video for Switchfoot's "I Dare You To Move" but in the music video, there is a man who gets up and makes a choice to run with all of his might, but he runs right into a crowd. The crowd is going the other way, and he is running against them with everything he has. To me, this is what that song is trying to say. It says, "I dare you to move, I dare you to move, I dare you to pick yourself off of the floor..." and it's saying, "I dare you to make a choice today. I dare you to turn the page today. I dare you to do something different today. I dare you to stand up for Christ today." Even when it's the unpopular thing to do. Even if you will lose a friend over it. I dare you to forget about what the world has to say and to worry more about what God has to say.
Watch the video and tell me what you think it means. I think it's a picture of an individual who has chosen to stand up for Christ and run in relentless pursuit of Him...no matter what the rest of the world has to say.
What do you think? Click on the video below:
"Dare You To Move" by Switchfoot
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Our Love Story
I am not sure how many people know this story or have heard this story. Justin and I met in the Fall of 1999 at the BSU at NOC in Enid. I heard from a friend of mine at First Baptist that the BSU had a Bible study on Tuesday nights and sometimes they sang worship songs before the Bible study. I was learning to play the guitar and could play a few worship songs, so I went to the Bible study with a guitar-playing, worship-leading friend of mine. While we were at the Bible study and people began to arrive, in walked this guy and his friend and the guy looked pretty familiar and I knew I had seen him somewhere before. We both looked at each other the same way, "Don't I know you from somewhere?" and then it dawned on both of us at the same time that we had gone to elementary school together at Emmanuel in 2nd grade! So, I talked to my old schoolmate and his friend afterwards and went to many more Bible studies at the BSU. I ended up joining a praise band at the BSU and I played rhythm guitar and wrote some songs and my old schoolmate from 2nd grade played bass guitar and keyboard. His friend (Justin) played bass guitar and sang. Justin and I were in the praise band for a few years and we even tried recording a CD of my originals with our band out at a studio in Ringwood. We even did a concert at the Mark Price Arena once!
Justin and I developed our friendship over many miles together as we traveled back and forth once a week to Ponca City. We volunteered as guest DJ's on the request hour on Thursday nights at KLVV (MyPraiseFM or TheHouseFM). We talked and talked and talked so so much. We had wonderful conversations about God and our relationships with Jesus. We talked about growing up, friends, relationships, music...so so much. We shared so much of our hearts with each other and grew to become great friends. We laughed and laughed across those wonderful miles in that little, black pick-up truck.
In the summer of 2002, I came home from a six-month stay in California. One of the first places I stopped was the local Christian bookstore and Justin was working there. Later on, I went out to eat at a Chinese restaurant with my Dad and ran into Justin's parents. I talked to his Dad at the buffet and said, "Oh, you're Justin's parents!" and he said, "Oh, you're Wendy! Justin said he's been seeing you!" and I got this look on my face like, "WHAT???" because I thought he meant Justin said he's been "seeing me" like dating me. :) Justin and I did start hanging out a lot. I started leading worship again and went with our youth to Falls Creek. Justin came to the share service and after that he started going to church with me and serving with the youth with me. When I noticed more of a connection with him, was when I first got back from California and I went over to his house to practice worship songs with him. He had bought all these new worship books and CD's and I thought, "Hey, he's really into this and so am I..." and I could really see his "heart for worship". It was the common bond between us and it was the beginning building material for our foundation. :) I put a smiley face next to that because our entire wedding sermon from Pastor Keith was about the building materials God uses to fashion our marriage, our relationship, and our home. :) Ephesians 2:22 "And in Him you too are being built together to become a dwelling in which God lives by His Spirit." :) Also, I have to add this now, but on our wedding night at the Arcadian Inn in Edmond, they had one of these verse calendar flip books and THAT VERY VERSE WAS ON IT THE NIGHT OF OUR WEDDING!!!!!!!! How cool is that?
So, Justin and I started hanging out a lot. On November 18, 2002, he asked me out. He bought me a new guitar and case and brought it over to me, and then told me to sit down on the couch in my apartment because he had to talk to me. I sat on the couch and he sat on the coffee table and he said, "People keep asking us if we're dating and I don't want to tell them 'No' anymore." :) On February 13, 2003 he proposed. He took off of work early to set everything up. He had his Dad print out a picture of the spot he wanted to ask me in Colorado with the words, "Wendy, will you marry me?" on it and he had it framed. He set it inside a display window case at Zales at the mall along with a rose and THE ring. He picked me up after work and said we were going to go out to eat, but first we had to go to the mall to meet his sister to pick out a Valentine's Day present for his mother. So, we're walking around the mall looking for his sister and we kept running into people that we knew. I wanted to walk inside Bath & Body Works and smell smellies and he wanted to walk me down to Zales to show me the display, but I had no clue. So, finally we get down to Zales and run into our drummer from our praise band and Justin asked him, "What are you doing here?" and he said, "Just waiting on you..." and he almost blew it. :) Then like three more people showed up with cameras and I'm like, "What is going on?" and Justin took me over to the picture window to show me the ring and I didn't even READ the picture, look at it, or see it. I was clueless until he went down on one knee. He said, "Wendy Mae Johnson, you are the love of my life, will you marry me?" I started balling and said, "YES!" and the rest is history!
We were married on Saturday, October 11, 2003. Eight years later and we are still playing worship together, side-by-side at church and helping with the youth. It was our common bond and it's our love for Christ and for worship that has held us together over the years. When the Pastor said, "I now pronounce to you Mr. and Mrs. Justin Jones..." it was like he was sending us out on an adventure together. When we came to the altar, we were two separate people, but when we left hand-in-hand it was like he was sending us off on a journey. No doubt this journey would contain some hills, mountains, and obstacles we would have to conquer together. How strong would our marriage be if every time we encountered a hill, mountain, obstacle, or anything hard, he let go of my hand? What if he left me to go get help from someone else instead of leaning on me, hanging on to my hand, and conquering the obstacle together? We are much stronger as a three-cord strand than we would ever be on our own. Today I am thankful for the times my husband has been Jesus to me and for the times he has forgiven me and received me despite the person I am. I love you, darling!
Justin and I developed our friendship over many miles together as we traveled back and forth once a week to Ponca City. We volunteered as guest DJ's on the request hour on Thursday nights at KLVV (MyPraiseFM or TheHouseFM). We talked and talked and talked so so much. We had wonderful conversations about God and our relationships with Jesus. We talked about growing up, friends, relationships, music...so so much. We shared so much of our hearts with each other and grew to become great friends. We laughed and laughed across those wonderful miles in that little, black pick-up truck.
In the summer of 2002, I came home from a six-month stay in California. One of the first places I stopped was the local Christian bookstore and Justin was working there. Later on, I went out to eat at a Chinese restaurant with my Dad and ran into Justin's parents. I talked to his Dad at the buffet and said, "Oh, you're Justin's parents!" and he said, "Oh, you're Wendy! Justin said he's been seeing you!" and I got this look on my face like, "WHAT???" because I thought he meant Justin said he's been "seeing me" like dating me. :) Justin and I did start hanging out a lot. I started leading worship again and went with our youth to Falls Creek. Justin came to the share service and after that he started going to church with me and serving with the youth with me. When I noticed more of a connection with him, was when I first got back from California and I went over to his house to practice worship songs with him. He had bought all these new worship books and CD's and I thought, "Hey, he's really into this and so am I..." and I could really see his "heart for worship". It was the common bond between us and it was the beginning building material for our foundation. :) I put a smiley face next to that because our entire wedding sermon from Pastor Keith was about the building materials God uses to fashion our marriage, our relationship, and our home. :) Ephesians 2:22 "And in Him you too are being built together to become a dwelling in which God lives by His Spirit." :) Also, I have to add this now, but on our wedding night at the Arcadian Inn in Edmond, they had one of these verse calendar flip books and THAT VERY VERSE WAS ON IT THE NIGHT OF OUR WEDDING!!!!!!!! How cool is that?
So, Justin and I started hanging out a lot. On November 18, 2002, he asked me out. He bought me a new guitar and case and brought it over to me, and then told me to sit down on the couch in my apartment because he had to talk to me. I sat on the couch and he sat on the coffee table and he said, "People keep asking us if we're dating and I don't want to tell them 'No' anymore." :) On February 13, 2003 he proposed. He took off of work early to set everything up. He had his Dad print out a picture of the spot he wanted to ask me in Colorado with the words, "Wendy, will you marry me?" on it and he had it framed. He set it inside a display window case at Zales at the mall along with a rose and THE ring. He picked me up after work and said we were going to go out to eat, but first we had to go to the mall to meet his sister to pick out a Valentine's Day present for his mother. So, we're walking around the mall looking for his sister and we kept running into people that we knew. I wanted to walk inside Bath & Body Works and smell smellies and he wanted to walk me down to Zales to show me the display, but I had no clue. So, finally we get down to Zales and run into our drummer from our praise band and Justin asked him, "What are you doing here?" and he said, "Just waiting on you..." and he almost blew it. :) Then like three more people showed up with cameras and I'm like, "What is going on?" and Justin took me over to the picture window to show me the ring and I didn't even READ the picture, look at it, or see it. I was clueless until he went down on one knee. He said, "Wendy Mae Johnson, you are the love of my life, will you marry me?" I started balling and said, "YES!" and the rest is history!
We were married on Saturday, October 11, 2003. Eight years later and we are still playing worship together, side-by-side at church and helping with the youth. It was our common bond and it's our love for Christ and for worship that has held us together over the years. When the Pastor said, "I now pronounce to you Mr. and Mrs. Justin Jones..." it was like he was sending us out on an adventure together. When we came to the altar, we were two separate people, but when we left hand-in-hand it was like he was sending us off on a journey. No doubt this journey would contain some hills, mountains, and obstacles we would have to conquer together. How strong would our marriage be if every time we encountered a hill, mountain, obstacle, or anything hard, he let go of my hand? What if he left me to go get help from someone else instead of leaning on me, hanging on to my hand, and conquering the obstacle together? We are much stronger as a three-cord strand than we would ever be on our own. Today I am thankful for the times my husband has been Jesus to me and for the times he has forgiven me and received me despite the person I am. I love you, darling!
Thursday, October 6, 2011
At the Feet of Jesus
Wow...like I said yesterday, nothing like a John Piper sermon to completely humble me, shut me up, and knock me flat on my face at the feet of Jesus. After listening to a sermon from 1980 entitled "The Wisdom We Speak", I couldn't speak at all. I just cried. All throughout the sermon, points kept convicting me and tears just rolled down my face. It was almost an involuntary reaction. I love hearing sermons like that. Sermons that take you straight to the Throne and literally face-to-face with Jesus. Sermons where the speaker is actually totally removed from the picture and the Holy Spirit has really taken over and is speaking through them and the person isn't even there anymore. Do you know what I'm talking about? Just listen to one John Piper sermon and you'll find out what I'm talking about.
I felt the same way when Justin and I attended a National Youth Worker's Convention in Nashville, TN and The David Crowder Band led worship for us. Another mind-folding experience. I don't know what it is about David Crowder, but I am really convinced it has nothing to do with him at all, but rather it's God's anointing on the man. When he led worship in that convention center........it was the closest I've ever come to heaven. While worshipping with a common body of believers, I had to stop and look around and say, "Is this what heaven is going to be like?" It's when a human mind really can't explain and can't fully wrap around it or comprehend it....that's when you know it's the Holy Spirit and the very essence of God and you can only experience it through the eyes of faith.
After listening to that sermon yesterday, I was just silenced by the Holy Spirit and felt the Lord saying to me, "Who do you think you are to speak on My behalf?" It's like I felt unworthy to even say His name. It's like, "Who am I to even be given the Word of God that I get to hold it in my hand and read it?" and then what's more, "How am I even able to understand what I'm reading? Oh...it's the Holy Spirit..." Jesus' ministry only lasted 3 years and then He had to go. Sometimes that thought makes me sad, but I don't stay sad because He left the Comforter, the Encourager, the Teacher with us. He left Himself with us. So, then I sit and ask myself "Why? Why would You do that for me, Lord?" The song "All the Heavens" by Third Day explains how I feel pretty well, I have it linked below. "All the angels exalt You on high, what a Kingdom to depart. But you left Your throne in the sky, just to live inside my heart. All the heavens cannot hold You, Lord. How much less to dwell in me?" It's like, "WHY? Why would You do that?" and the only answer I feel from the Holy Spirit is, "Because I love you, that's why..." and it makes my mind fold! I can't fully grasp that concept any more than I can try to wrap my mind around eternity, heaven, and how God has ALWAYS been.
Sometimes I can't even believe that people even try to write songs about God. It's like, "Who do we think we are?" To try to contain the Creator of the Universe and the Savior of the World into a few measly, human words...it's like nothing I could ever say or write would encompass Him! On one hand, I am thankful for the songs, hymns, and praise choruses that have attempted this feat and "understand me" and how I feel about God. On the other hand, He is so much more than my mind can conceive and no matter who writes what or sings what, He still can't be contained! I wonder how Pastors and Preachers feel...to be given the great duty and calling to Shepherd a Flock and impart God's Word to them on a weekly basis....it's like, "On Who's Authority do you even exist, let alone speak on My behalf?" It's the same with Worship Leaders and Music Ministers who are charged with the great task of leading God's people to the Throne and closer to God's face...it's like, "Who do I think that I am?" I am just completely humbled because it's like, Who gave me my life anyway? Who says I get to wake up today? Who causes my heart to beat? Who gives me the air I breathe? Where do these songs come from? Where did my ability to play the guitar come from? Where do these poems and words come from? NOT FROM ME! There is NO WAY that I on my own am capable of this! It ALL comes from Christ and how in the world could I do Him such a disservice by wasting it or selfishly keeping these gifts to myself?
Sometimes it takes a humbling slap in the face or rather a sweet encounter with Jesus to remind us of Who He is and who we are. When I was saved, a praise band called "Little Us" was playing. I never really understood what their name meant, but when I thought about it, it made sense. Leading people in corporate worship has NOTHING to do with us, but EVERYTHING to do with Christ. He must become greater, and we must become less!
Today I find myself thankful for just another breath.....another heartbeat.....another thought.....another moment. Only God knows how many more of these I have. My life is in Your hands Lord...have Your way in me. Amen.
"All the Heavens" by Third Day (the guitar is beautiful throughout this song)
I felt the same way when Justin and I attended a National Youth Worker's Convention in Nashville, TN and The David Crowder Band led worship for us. Another mind-folding experience. I don't know what it is about David Crowder, but I am really convinced it has nothing to do with him at all, but rather it's God's anointing on the man. When he led worship in that convention center........it was the closest I've ever come to heaven. While worshipping with a common body of believers, I had to stop and look around and say, "Is this what heaven is going to be like?" It's when a human mind really can't explain and can't fully wrap around it or comprehend it....that's when you know it's the Holy Spirit and the very essence of God and you can only experience it through the eyes of faith.
After listening to that sermon yesterday, I was just silenced by the Holy Spirit and felt the Lord saying to me, "Who do you think you are to speak on My behalf?" It's like I felt unworthy to even say His name. It's like, "Who am I to even be given the Word of God that I get to hold it in my hand and read it?" and then what's more, "How am I even able to understand what I'm reading? Oh...it's the Holy Spirit..." Jesus' ministry only lasted 3 years and then He had to go. Sometimes that thought makes me sad, but I don't stay sad because He left the Comforter, the Encourager, the Teacher with us. He left Himself with us. So, then I sit and ask myself "Why? Why would You do that for me, Lord?" The song "All the Heavens" by Third Day explains how I feel pretty well, I have it linked below. "All the angels exalt You on high, what a Kingdom to depart. But you left Your throne in the sky, just to live inside my heart. All the heavens cannot hold You, Lord. How much less to dwell in me?" It's like, "WHY? Why would You do that?" and the only answer I feel from the Holy Spirit is, "Because I love you, that's why..." and it makes my mind fold! I can't fully grasp that concept any more than I can try to wrap my mind around eternity, heaven, and how God has ALWAYS been.
Sometimes I can't even believe that people even try to write songs about God. It's like, "Who do we think we are?" To try to contain the Creator of the Universe and the Savior of the World into a few measly, human words...it's like nothing I could ever say or write would encompass Him! On one hand, I am thankful for the songs, hymns, and praise choruses that have attempted this feat and "understand me" and how I feel about God. On the other hand, He is so much more than my mind can conceive and no matter who writes what or sings what, He still can't be contained! I wonder how Pastors and Preachers feel...to be given the great duty and calling to Shepherd a Flock and impart God's Word to them on a weekly basis....it's like, "On Who's Authority do you even exist, let alone speak on My behalf?" It's the same with Worship Leaders and Music Ministers who are charged with the great task of leading God's people to the Throne and closer to God's face...it's like, "Who do I think that I am?" I am just completely humbled because it's like, Who gave me my life anyway? Who says I get to wake up today? Who causes my heart to beat? Who gives me the air I breathe? Where do these songs come from? Where did my ability to play the guitar come from? Where do these poems and words come from? NOT FROM ME! There is NO WAY that I on my own am capable of this! It ALL comes from Christ and how in the world could I do Him such a disservice by wasting it or selfishly keeping these gifts to myself?
Sometimes it takes a humbling slap in the face or rather a sweet encounter with Jesus to remind us of Who He is and who we are. When I was saved, a praise band called "Little Us" was playing. I never really understood what their name meant, but when I thought about it, it made sense. Leading people in corporate worship has NOTHING to do with us, but EVERYTHING to do with Christ. He must become greater, and we must become less!
Today I find myself thankful for just another breath.....another heartbeat.....another thought.....another moment. Only God knows how many more of these I have. My life is in Your hands Lord...have Your way in me. Amen.
"All the Heavens" by Third Day (the guitar is beautiful throughout this song)
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
A Poem And A Song
“Away”
As I knelt beside the river
I
gazed into the moving waters
Searching
for a glimpse of my reflection.
These
healing waters refused to indulge me
And
I found no trace of myself in their depths
Nor anything resembling me in the least.
Nor anything resembling me in the least.
What
I did find in that river
Was
something I never knew was there
But
had indirectly been looking for all my life.
I
found myself in my Father’s eyes.
I
saw myself, for the first time, the way He sees me
And
for once in my life I was precious and beautiful
And
it didn’t matter what anyone else thought.
As
I listened to the river
I
prayed a heartfelt prayer
Asking
for the renewal of my soul.
I
know the waters must have heard me
For
the sound of the rushing current changed
And
the river began to flow a different path.
This
new path was filled with pebbles and stones
And
even some very large rocks that no doubt
Sliced
the water’s surface in two when tossed in its course.
I
looked upon these creations with fondness
As
I walked beside the river
And
I silently prayed, “Wash me away Lord and make me new.”
"
"Be Still" - music and lyrics by Wendy Mae
Verse 1:
I feel You when the wind blows
It's the way You let me know You're there
You know when the sparrow falls
And You can hear my heart calling:
CHORUS:
"I need You Lord
To take my fears away
I need to trust Your will."
I hear You Lord
You whisper when You say,
"My Child, peace...be still."
Verse 2:
I feel You when the sun shines
It's the way Your glory lights my soul
But even when there's dark days
You can hear my heart saying:
CHORUS:
"I need You Lord
To take my fears away
I need to trust Your will."
I hear You Lord
You whisper when You say,
"My Child, peace...be still."
"Be still and know that I am God..." --Psalm 46:10
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Casting Pearls: Part 4
Yeah, I thought I was done too, but no. I'm struggling ya'll. I'm really struggling and I'm really hurting. On one hand I feel like the world is looking at me and saying, "Alright Wendy, we got it, will you just shut up already?" and on the other hand, I feel like I am standing in the middle of a crowded room screaming at the top of my lungs and no one can hear me. I still feel misunderstood. I am still at war with myself. I feel extremely frustrated because I feel like I have a lot to say, but no one who will listen. What I really feel is alone because I don't know anyone else who is like me....who thinks like me. I feel like as soon as I open my mouth I am misinterpreted. I feel literally torn up inside. I feel a longing and a burden to get things off my chest and off my heart, but at the same time, everyone around me is saying, "Just keep it to yourself, not everyone has to know how you feel, not everyone has to agree with you." I don't care if people agree with me or not, I just want someone to say, "I understand. I hear you." That's it. I feel stifled, I feel smothered, I feel suffocated. I feel restrained and held down and again, I feel like I have a heart and a purpose behind what I say and what I do and people are still missing my HEART.
This might explain it even better. I am being told by the spiritual influences around me that I need to go, get out, serve, and do more to impact people around me for Christ. I am being told that I need to find the Lord's purpose for me and live it out. I am being told to stop wasting time and sitting on the sidelines and not being involved. I am constantly reminded that the Lord created me for a reason and I just have to find out what that is. I'm reminded of the joy I had when I first accepted Christ and the burden I had for the lost. Back then I had a lot of zeal, but no knowledge. Now that I have more knowledge about how to share the Gospel and how to love, I want to GET OUT AND DO IT. I don't want to live in the past of where I was with Christ and expect to go back to how I felt when I first got saved. I want God to do a NEW THING in me. The problem is I still feel held back. I feel like I'm ready to go, ready to do, and ready to serve, but there's something holding me back. Maybe I am still living in the past.
When I read my old journals and see the things I used to write about to God and see where my relationship was with Him, I think, "Who was that person?" When I think back over 14 years and think about all the things I was doing in ministry and for Christ, I look at where I am now and all I'm NOT doing and I say, "What happened? How did I get here?" Like I said once before, and this is a HUGE point: I wish that being married and being a mother brought MORE glory to God than I could ever do on my own. I guess in some ways I still want the relationship I had with God when I was single. Please don't misunderstand me. I know that being married has taught me a lot about my relationship with Christ and about forgiveness and love in a way I would never know it before, but sometimes I miss the intimacy I had when it was just me and Jesus, ya know?
It's the same with becoming a Mommy. My husband and I were friends for 4 years before we ever got married. We were married for nearly six years before we had our first child and only six months to get used to that before we found out we were having another. Our oldest son is almost three and I guess I am still learning how to juggle everything that comes with being a mother. It's really hard for me because I did not have the greatest example of a mother growing up, but I'm trying. Sometimes and probably most times I try too hard. I put a lot of pressure on myself to be and do everything just right and I need to let go A LOT. On the other hand though, I can't sit still and let things go for very long. I really can't stand idleness or laziness especially from myself. Back to what I was saying...I have always said since the children were born that I never wanted them to be the reason that we couldn't be involved in something or the reason that we couldn't serve. I think what's bothering me is before they got here, we were really involved, really serving, and really doing a lot. I know I struggled with a bit of post-partum depression after Isaac was born because the switch from being a single individual being on my own to taking care of another human's needs was quite a..........transition for me. Sorry...searching for the right word. When Jenna was born it was easier for me because it didn't rock my world as much. I guess what I'm struggling with, is inside my heart I still want to be able to do what I did before and be who I was before. I know I really can't though, so then the struggle becomes, how do I do all this stuff WITH them? I want them to be a part of these things WITH me, but they are so little that it is challenging. I know they are going to grow up so fast and I am going to blink and they're gone and wish they were small again, but this season they are in is very challenging.
When I sit back and think about what the Lord wrote for me and my life and asking myself, "Am I fulfilling His purpose or am I idling?", I think, "Surely I am meant for more than just sitting in this house, cleaning, doing laundry, doing dishes, making meals, going shopping, paying bills, changing diapers, giving baths, reading, singing, teaching..." I feel purposeless...I feel sidelined, and I feel unusable. I guess I'm having a hard time seeing what good my life is doing. Lately, since I can't keep my mouth shut I've been thinking about moving under the nearest rock and staying there for the rest of my life. I'm looking at what other people are doing and saying, "I wanna do THAT!" I'm really trying to search out my spiritual gifts and see what materials God used to fashion me, but when I found out what they were I thought, "Where can I use that?" I wish the survey came with a guide that said, "If you have the gift of this, then you belong here..." and whatever.
So what is holding me back? Is something or someone holding me back? I feel like opportunity only knocks once and the Lord will only stride with me for so long. I feel like, "What's the point of getting so excited about going and doing if I keep getting told to wait?" Maybe I'm just not ready yet...maybe there's still something I need to learn...speak to me Lord, for Your child is here.
This might explain it even better. I am being told by the spiritual influences around me that I need to go, get out, serve, and do more to impact people around me for Christ. I am being told that I need to find the Lord's purpose for me and live it out. I am being told to stop wasting time and sitting on the sidelines and not being involved. I am constantly reminded that the Lord created me for a reason and I just have to find out what that is. I'm reminded of the joy I had when I first accepted Christ and the burden I had for the lost. Back then I had a lot of zeal, but no knowledge. Now that I have more knowledge about how to share the Gospel and how to love, I want to GET OUT AND DO IT. I don't want to live in the past of where I was with Christ and expect to go back to how I felt when I first got saved. I want God to do a NEW THING in me. The problem is I still feel held back. I feel like I'm ready to go, ready to do, and ready to serve, but there's something holding me back. Maybe I am still living in the past.
When I read my old journals and see the things I used to write about to God and see where my relationship was with Him, I think, "Who was that person?" When I think back over 14 years and think about all the things I was doing in ministry and for Christ, I look at where I am now and all I'm NOT doing and I say, "What happened? How did I get here?" Like I said once before, and this is a HUGE point: I wish that being married and being a mother brought MORE glory to God than I could ever do on my own. I guess in some ways I still want the relationship I had with God when I was single. Please don't misunderstand me. I know that being married has taught me a lot about my relationship with Christ and about forgiveness and love in a way I would never know it before, but sometimes I miss the intimacy I had when it was just me and Jesus, ya know?
It's the same with becoming a Mommy. My husband and I were friends for 4 years before we ever got married. We were married for nearly six years before we had our first child and only six months to get used to that before we found out we were having another. Our oldest son is almost three and I guess I am still learning how to juggle everything that comes with being a mother. It's really hard for me because I did not have the greatest example of a mother growing up, but I'm trying. Sometimes and probably most times I try too hard. I put a lot of pressure on myself to be and do everything just right and I need to let go A LOT. On the other hand though, I can't sit still and let things go for very long. I really can't stand idleness or laziness especially from myself. Back to what I was saying...I have always said since the children were born that I never wanted them to be the reason that we couldn't be involved in something or the reason that we couldn't serve. I think what's bothering me is before they got here, we were really involved, really serving, and really doing a lot. I know I struggled with a bit of post-partum depression after Isaac was born because the switch from being a single individual being on my own to taking care of another human's needs was quite a..........transition for me. Sorry...searching for the right word. When Jenna was born it was easier for me because it didn't rock my world as much. I guess what I'm struggling with, is inside my heart I still want to be able to do what I did before and be who I was before. I know I really can't though, so then the struggle becomes, how do I do all this stuff WITH them? I want them to be a part of these things WITH me, but they are so little that it is challenging. I know they are going to grow up so fast and I am going to blink and they're gone and wish they were small again, but this season they are in is very challenging.
When I sit back and think about what the Lord wrote for me and my life and asking myself, "Am I fulfilling His purpose or am I idling?", I think, "Surely I am meant for more than just sitting in this house, cleaning, doing laundry, doing dishes, making meals, going shopping, paying bills, changing diapers, giving baths, reading, singing, teaching..." I feel purposeless...I feel sidelined, and I feel unusable. I guess I'm having a hard time seeing what good my life is doing. Lately, since I can't keep my mouth shut I've been thinking about moving under the nearest rock and staying there for the rest of my life. I'm looking at what other people are doing and saying, "I wanna do THAT!" I'm really trying to search out my spiritual gifts and see what materials God used to fashion me, but when I found out what they were I thought, "Where can I use that?" I wish the survey came with a guide that said, "If you have the gift of this, then you belong here..." and whatever.
So what is holding me back? Is something or someone holding me back? I feel like opportunity only knocks once and the Lord will only stride with me for so long. I feel like, "What's the point of getting so excited about going and doing if I keep getting told to wait?" Maybe I'm just not ready yet...maybe there's still something I need to learn...speak to me Lord, for Your child is here.
Monday, October 3, 2011
Casting Pearls: Part 3
Remember to read Part 1 and 2 first. :)
Okay, so now to explain my post titles for this series. When I very first heard the phrase "casting your pearls before swine", I had no clue what it meant. Someone said it to me once in reference to something else, and I had no clue what it meant. Later on, I found out that it meant giving the most precious part of yourself to someone who wouldn't take care of it. That is the idea behind the title for me. When I share these blogs with people or when I share my words with people, I am really sharing my heart. Sometimes it may not seem like it, but sometimes you have to sift through what I say and find my heart. I am reading the book, "Shepherding A Child's Heart" by Tedd Tripp for parents right now, and the whole message is about getting to the heart of the matter. Instead of looking at the outward behavior of a child and focusing on that, dig deeper and ask yourself, "What is internally motivating this kind of behavior? What is inside my child that is producing this kind of behavior? What are my child's intentions, where is my child's heart in all of this?" As I'm reading this book, I'm digging deeper into my own heart and the Lord is doing surgery there.
So, when I blog out my heart, I am casting out little treasures and pieces of me to the reading world. I am praying that what I write will be caught by someone, taken in, and taken care of. Yeah, I've got a lot of grit, a lot of grime, and at times a really hard shell that you have to get through...but if you're willing to dig through all that and sift through it, eventually you will find my heart. I try my best not to waste words and I know I have a lot of learning left to do. When I speak, I want it to mean something, leave a dent, and make an eternal impact.
I am thankful for our Pastor's recent series on Psalms 51 about doing our own, personal heart surgery. It has really helped me see the junk inside my heart that I need to clean out. It's interesting because in the physical realm, I have heart disease in my family. My father had a heart attack when he was 55 and an aortic aneurysm when he was 68. My grandfather had a heart attack in 1992 or 1993 and my mother had a stroke when I was in the 8th grade. I have high cholesterol and I constantly have to think about what I put into my body. With all of this talk about Spiritual heart surgery, I also have to think about what I put into my body Spiritually. What is clogging my heart's arteries Spiritually? What is keeping the blood of Jesus from flowing freely in my life? Is there an area of unforgiveness in my life? Something I haven't accepted Jesus' forgiveness for or something I need to forgive someone else for?
Thank you for going on this journey with me and coming alongside me as I search out the Spirit of God and begin to understand a little more about the heart of Christ. Please stay with me as I learn more about how to REALLY love like Jesus does. I think it's safe to say that while I am housed in this sinful vessel, I'll never fully be able to love like Christ, but I am praying that "He will become greater, and I will become less." as we just learned in Sunday School a couple weeks ago from John 3:30. I am so very thankful for our church and for the discipleship it provides. I am thankful for what I am learning from the Pastor's sermons as well as from my Sunday School teacher and classmates. I don't just hear nice stories and messages that make me feel good on Sunday mornings. I hear the Truth, and I hear the heart of the matter, and I get closer to the Heart of the One that really matters.
Listen to this song to hear this thought in praise:
"Embrace This Place"
Okay, so now to explain my post titles for this series. When I very first heard the phrase "casting your pearls before swine", I had no clue what it meant. Someone said it to me once in reference to something else, and I had no clue what it meant. Later on, I found out that it meant giving the most precious part of yourself to someone who wouldn't take care of it. That is the idea behind the title for me. When I share these blogs with people or when I share my words with people, I am really sharing my heart. Sometimes it may not seem like it, but sometimes you have to sift through what I say and find my heart. I am reading the book, "Shepherding A Child's Heart" by Tedd Tripp for parents right now, and the whole message is about getting to the heart of the matter. Instead of looking at the outward behavior of a child and focusing on that, dig deeper and ask yourself, "What is internally motivating this kind of behavior? What is inside my child that is producing this kind of behavior? What are my child's intentions, where is my child's heart in all of this?" As I'm reading this book, I'm digging deeper into my own heart and the Lord is doing surgery there.
So, when I blog out my heart, I am casting out little treasures and pieces of me to the reading world. I am praying that what I write will be caught by someone, taken in, and taken care of. Yeah, I've got a lot of grit, a lot of grime, and at times a really hard shell that you have to get through...but if you're willing to dig through all that and sift through it, eventually you will find my heart. I try my best not to waste words and I know I have a lot of learning left to do. When I speak, I want it to mean something, leave a dent, and make an eternal impact.
I am thankful for our Pastor's recent series on Psalms 51 about doing our own, personal heart surgery. It has really helped me see the junk inside my heart that I need to clean out. It's interesting because in the physical realm, I have heart disease in my family. My father had a heart attack when he was 55 and an aortic aneurysm when he was 68. My grandfather had a heart attack in 1992 or 1993 and my mother had a stroke when I was in the 8th grade. I have high cholesterol and I constantly have to think about what I put into my body. With all of this talk about Spiritual heart surgery, I also have to think about what I put into my body Spiritually. What is clogging my heart's arteries Spiritually? What is keeping the blood of Jesus from flowing freely in my life? Is there an area of unforgiveness in my life? Something I haven't accepted Jesus' forgiveness for or something I need to forgive someone else for?
Thank you for going on this journey with me and coming alongside me as I search out the Spirit of God and begin to understand a little more about the heart of Christ. Please stay with me as I learn more about how to REALLY love like Jesus does. I think it's safe to say that while I am housed in this sinful vessel, I'll never fully be able to love like Christ, but I am praying that "He will become greater, and I will become less." as we just learned in Sunday School a couple weeks ago from John 3:30. I am so very thankful for our church and for the discipleship it provides. I am thankful for what I am learning from the Pastor's sermons as well as from my Sunday School teacher and classmates. I don't just hear nice stories and messages that make me feel good on Sunday mornings. I hear the Truth, and I hear the heart of the matter, and I get closer to the Heart of the One that really matters.
Listen to this song to hear this thought in praise:
"Embrace This Place"
Friday, September 30, 2011
Casting Pearls: Part 2
Don't forget to start with Part 1. :)
Okay, kiddos are down for their nap after lunch. So, here we go! Where did we leave off yesterday? Oh yeah, I talk too much! I can't help but think of more songs here, but one song totally comes to mind and totally embraces what I am trying to say: "Loss for Words" by Tait. The link is at the bottom so you can listen to it there. Do you ever have one of those encounters where after it's over, you remember everything you wanted to say? You can't really remember what you actually said, but you're sure you forgot what you really wanted to say. So, whatever you did end up saying was probably pointless and meaningless and the real meat of what you planned to say got left out. I hate it when that happens. It's funny that the title of this song is called "Loss for Words" because it's more about saying too much than being speechless and not saying enough. What happens to me is just what the chorus says, "'Cause what I wanted to say, never came out the way I wanted it to, I wanted it to; 'Cause what I wanted to say, only got in the way, I never meant to hurt you, but I didn't have a clue." That's me all over. I have no intention of hurting anyone with my words, but that's exactly what ends up happening. I guess I get surprised when people get hurt because my thought is, "If you really know me, then you should already know my heart and my intentions." and I get shocked when people assume the worst about me and take me superficially at face value.
The end of the song says, "Empty words cannot suffice, I've been running from what I know is right, when only Yours are words of life." For me, that's the part that really pierces my heart and gets me in my gut because when I am walking daily with the Lord, communing with Him, talking to Him and listening to Him, the Holy Spirit inside of me is strengthened and the Lord is more likely to spill out of me. When it's me on my own and I'm in my own flesh, I have more of a tendency to speak selfishly. That's more of the Romans 7 concept of being internally at war with the flesh and the Spirit battling inside of me all the day long.
....sorry for the delay...I was filling out my Spiritual Gifts Survey from church.
Okay, kiddos are down for their nap after lunch. So, here we go! Where did we leave off yesterday? Oh yeah, I talk too much! I can't help but think of more songs here, but one song totally comes to mind and totally embraces what I am trying to say: "Loss for Words" by Tait. The link is at the bottom so you can listen to it there. Do you ever have one of those encounters where after it's over, you remember everything you wanted to say? You can't really remember what you actually said, but you're sure you forgot what you really wanted to say. So, whatever you did end up saying was probably pointless and meaningless and the real meat of what you planned to say got left out. I hate it when that happens. It's funny that the title of this song is called "Loss for Words" because it's more about saying too much than being speechless and not saying enough. What happens to me is just what the chorus says, "'Cause what I wanted to say, never came out the way I wanted it to, I wanted it to; 'Cause what I wanted to say, only got in the way, I never meant to hurt you, but I didn't have a clue." That's me all over. I have no intention of hurting anyone with my words, but that's exactly what ends up happening. I guess I get surprised when people get hurt because my thought is, "If you really know me, then you should already know my heart and my intentions." and I get shocked when people assume the worst about me and take me superficially at face value.
The end of the song says, "Empty words cannot suffice, I've been running from what I know is right, when only Yours are words of life." For me, that's the part that really pierces my heart and gets me in my gut because when I am walking daily with the Lord, communing with Him, talking to Him and listening to Him, the Holy Spirit inside of me is strengthened and the Lord is more likely to spill out of me. When it's me on my own and I'm in my own flesh, I have more of a tendency to speak selfishly. That's more of the Romans 7 concept of being internally at war with the flesh and the Spirit battling inside of me all the day long.
....sorry for the delay...I was filling out my Spiritual Gifts Survey from church.
When I take the time to step back and really take a look at myself, I see a somewhat narcissistic, outspoken, opinionated, short-tempered, legalistic, over-analytic porcupine with sharp quills that will poison you if you get too close to me. Wow...did I just say that out loud? I'm sort of a skunk really, that may appear cute and cuddly on the outside, but if you make me mad I'll spray you off with foul-spelling poison that will wreak for weeks and make you stay away from me! What I really want to do is dig down even deeper and ask myself, "Who does God say that I am?" "What does God see when He looks at me?" "What kind of person does God desire me to be?" You know what verses God JUST NOW brought to my heart after typing that out? Look below:
"4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."
~1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (NIV)
~1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (NIV)
I'll come back to these verses in a minute. While I was typing out this post, I stopped to do my Spiritual Gifts Survey because it's been sitting there for almost a week now and I haven't done it yet. I said earlier while talking with friends about how I am feeling, that every time I do a Spiritual Gifts Survey, it comes out that I have the Gift of Prophecy every time. When I did this one, it actually came out that I have the spiritual gifts of Discernment, Faith, and Mercy. Prophecy was the next highest on the list followed by Service and Knowledge. The one statement on the survey that I starred like 10 times because it's the MOST true of me is this: "I have spiritual insights from Scripture concerning issues and people that compel me to speak out." THIS is what I have been trying to say. When I speak out about something, I speak out STRONGLY. I have a passionate fire burning inside of me that wants to proclaim the Truth and stand up for Justice BOLDLY! Maybe I should have been a lawyer, (or a politician), I don't know. When I feel like something is wrong, like common sense wrong, I HAVE to say something about it. I am more legalistic than I would like to be in that the sky is blue, the grass is green, 1+1=2, black is black, white is white, there's on and there's off, and I DON'T like gray areas. When something is wrong, it's wrong! You're either right or you're wrong, you're either hot or cold, you can't be both. When an injustice has been done, or God's Word defamed, I feel a righteous anger burning inside of me and I HAVE to speak up about it! It's almost like it goes against everything I am to keep my mouth closed, sit on my hands, and be silent about it!
The problem happens when I assume that everyone thinks the same way I do. Often I make the mistake of having this mindset: "Well if this is true for me, and if everyone is looking at the same thing I am, then they see it the same way I do, right?" WRONG. It's like, "Okay, we're all looking up at the sky, right? What color is it? Blue. It's blue to the entire world and the entire human race and to everyone on the face of planet earth, right?" RIGHT. So sometimes I feel like every issue should be that way to everyone and I'm shocked sometimes that people don't see things the way I do when they make so much rock-solid sense in my head. Sometimes it's the same way for the truths of Scripture. Sin is sin and I can't stand it when people try to excuse sin and shove it under the rug and call it something else! Do you realize that Jesus died for that sin and He obviously takes it VERY seriously! Otherwise, He wouldn't have sent His ONE AND ONLY Son to DIE for YOU so you could pretend that what you've done or what you're doing is not so bad. Here's where God slaps me in the face though, "Who made you Me Wendy and who are you to judge?" God didn't send me into the world to judge everyone! God didn't send me into the world to be everyone's Holy Spirit and convict them all of their sin! It's NOT my job! Most of the time I need to quit worrying about what everyone else is doing and just worry about my own sins! What I've been struggling with through these posts though is that I'm still burdened for people when they're making sinful choices that are obviously not lined up with the will of God. My problem is, "How do I communicate that to them effectively?" And here is the Lord's answer:
"1 If I speak in the tongues[a] of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames,[b] but have not love, I gain nothing."
~1 Corinthians 13:1-3 (NIV)
Ugh...now I am balling. I have been searching for answers on what the Lord is trying to tell me and He has just answered. My Spiritual Gifts Survey says I have the gift of prophecy, knowledge, and faith...but so what? If I can't LOVE people, then I am NOTHING. How do I communicate the truths of Scripture to people? How do I get MY REAL HEART out? How does my life become a pleasing aroma and a blessing to others? How do I keep friends and loved ones near me without pushing them away? By LOVING them. Declaring the Truth and standing up for what I believe in doesn't mean I have to compromise Christ or the Gospel. The Truth and Christ and the Gospel all have LOVE interwoven through them! So now I'm on the journey of..."How do I learn to LOVE?" One of my most favorite lines in the song I shared in one of my earlier posts was, "Jesus, what would You do? Can you teach me how to love like You?" and the chorus is even more powerful and it says, "I wanna give You everything, but I've got nothing of my own at all. And if I give what I have not got, will You fill me up and make me whole?"
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Casting Pearls: Part 1
Wow...where do I begin? Why don't I try at the beginning, that's always a good place to start. :) There were a million and one different post titles that came into my mind when thinking of what to call this series of posts, and I have a heart and an idea behind this one, but it might take me awhile to get there. This is the first in a series of posts, so if you've found yourself at the top, come back down here and start here with Part 1.
There are many songs that sum up the way I feel. I love music. I love songs. I love playing music and I love writing music. I absolutely love it when a song or a songwriter understands me. A song that grips me right in the heart and never lets go and stays with me forever. A song is nothing more than a poem set to music. I once said in a poem that "To be held on either side is all a poem can ask for, but to be Understood by the Writer is all that the Sinner may need." That sums up the heart of what I've been trying to say. All any poem ever wants is to be read by someone. Why would a writer write it if it was never meant to be read? Why would a singer write a song if it was never meant to be heard? I am both a poet and a songwriter and like many poets and songwriters, I have deep feelings, emotions, and truths buried deep inside my heart and an even deeper longing to get them out and voice them somehow. What is the point of feeling this way and getting it out if it's not a cry to both be understood and to understand someone? My goal is that someone would read what I write and say, "I have been there before. I understand how you feel. I have felt that way too many times." I guess it's a longing to be AFFIRMED. VALIDATED.
When you're the youngest in a family with three older sisters, you're being talked down to all your life and always told what to do. I've always struggled to feel affirmed and validated. I guess I've always wondered, "When do I finally get to be old enough to finally know what I'm talking about?" Now that....that is a question that remains to be answered and could remain to be answered until the day I die. I'm not that old and I don't claim to have a lot of wisdom, but what I have learned thus far is that even when I'm 99 and on my deathbed, I could still learn something and I'll probably never really "arrive" until I literally arrive in heaven. Then I will "know as I am known." (song reference to Chris Rice's "And Your Praise Goes On")
So, back to what's on my heart right now. What is the Lord teaching me right now? What am I struggling with right now? There comes a time in everyone's life and I'm there right now, when it's one of those real pruning, breaking, molding, refining, shaping, defining moments in my life. The times that if you make it through it, you grow up and mature A LOT through it. Right now, I'm in the middle of it and haven't quite made it to the other side. Sometimes I used to wish that the trial would just hurry up and be over and I would just be on the other side of it, but lately I've almost strangely grown to LOVE these times. Another song reference is creeping up. "Wilderness" by the OC Supertones. There is really too much in this song to say. So much of what I am going through and feeling is in this song as in many other songs. It's one of those mind-folding type of songs where you just have to accept the fact that you don't know it all and fall down and lie on your back and gaze up into the deep, deep sky and believe that God is on the other side. You have to accept the fact that God's ways are higher than yours and you don't have to know everything right now. You don't have to know the end of the story. Just trust in the Author who's writing your story. I know I keep changing person or perspective as I'm talking. I'm an English Literature nerd and it's even getting on my own nerves, but I think as I'm writing the Lord is speaking to me so sometimes He changes what "person" or "perspective" I write in.
There's a part in this "Wilderness" song that says, "I have spoken much too soon, put my hand over my mouth, I can't contend with You..." and THAT is where I'm trying to get in this series of blogs. Wow...overload in my brain with too much to say about this...help me Lord to speak what You will. I don't know how else to say it, but to just come right out and say it, and it might sound funny to you, but it sure is honest: I talk too much. THERE! I said it! Amazing how four little words could have so much power behind them. Four LOADED words. What God is showing me right now, and it may be a simple concept to some of you that have already learned it, is that the MOUTH is a powerful tool. For me, when I don't speak with my actual mouth to a person, I type. I can't even explain in words that make sense how many times this has gotten me into trouble. Is "gotten" a word? Well, it is now. Anyway, get behind me Satan and quit knocking me off track! The devil doesn't want me to have victory over this! GO AWAY!
Okay, so God is really revealing to me the power that my words and my tongue really have. This is the part that's hard for me to explain because unless you have an issue with this too, you might not really understand unless you're me. This is the best way I can explain it: Inside my heart and inside my mind, I have GREAT intentions. I have loving, encouraging, understanding, hopeful, helpful, sweet intentions, but I have the HARDEST time coming off that way. Since I'm female, I like to "scenario" in my head A LOT. I will have a conversation or a scenario planned in my head about the way I think it should go. In my mind, it's beautiful, it's uplifting, it's positive, it's encouraging, and it's LOVING and for whatever reason, as soon as I open my mouth, or my fingers go flying on the keyboard, it comes out WRONG. I can't even explain how frustrating this is for me.
This is why I feel like my life is summed up in Romans 7:15-21. "15 I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 16 And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. 17 As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. 18 I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature.[c] For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19 For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. 20 Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. 21 So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me." I have the desire to do what is good, but I CANNOT carry it out. Inside of me, and inside of many others who may struggle with this, there is a WAR going on...an all-out BATTLE constantly. My Spirit desires to say the RIGHT thing, the GODLY thing, the truly, sincere, heartfelt, encouraging thing, but my flesh takes over and I cross the line, end up saying something I shouldn't have, I can't keep my mouth shut, and then I hit "Send" and wonder, "What just now happened?" Don't get me wrong, I'm NOT copping out and BLAMING it on my "sinful flesh" like, "The devil made me do it." "Or, I can't help it, I still live in this fleshly, sinful body." but I guess I'm just working through what the Lord is trying to teach me through this.
Does anyone else struggle with this? Please comment on my Facebook page after you view this, and after you read this (if you've hung in there with me this far). I'll continue more tomorrow...too much for today already. See, I told you I talk too much. :)
In the meantime, listen to the song "Wilderness" by the OC Supertones. When Justin and I went on our honeymoon, we must have played and replayed this song, over and over and over again one hundred thousand times all the way there and back. This song is such a wonderful memory for us. Just click on the blue letters below to hear it:
"Wilderness" by OC Supertones
Let me know if you want me to message you the lyrics. Otherwise, just listen to it over and over again until you get the chorus down like a cool ska rap like we did!
There are many songs that sum up the way I feel. I love music. I love songs. I love playing music and I love writing music. I absolutely love it when a song or a songwriter understands me. A song that grips me right in the heart and never lets go and stays with me forever. A song is nothing more than a poem set to music. I once said in a poem that "To be held on either side is all a poem can ask for, but to be Understood by the Writer is all that the Sinner may need." That sums up the heart of what I've been trying to say. All any poem ever wants is to be read by someone. Why would a writer write it if it was never meant to be read? Why would a singer write a song if it was never meant to be heard? I am both a poet and a songwriter and like many poets and songwriters, I have deep feelings, emotions, and truths buried deep inside my heart and an even deeper longing to get them out and voice them somehow. What is the point of feeling this way and getting it out if it's not a cry to both be understood and to understand someone? My goal is that someone would read what I write and say, "I have been there before. I understand how you feel. I have felt that way too many times." I guess it's a longing to be AFFIRMED. VALIDATED.
When you're the youngest in a family with three older sisters, you're being talked down to all your life and always told what to do. I've always struggled to feel affirmed and validated. I guess I've always wondered, "When do I finally get to be old enough to finally know what I'm talking about?" Now that....that is a question that remains to be answered and could remain to be answered until the day I die. I'm not that old and I don't claim to have a lot of wisdom, but what I have learned thus far is that even when I'm 99 and on my deathbed, I could still learn something and I'll probably never really "arrive" until I literally arrive in heaven. Then I will "know as I am known." (song reference to Chris Rice's "And Your Praise Goes On")
So, back to what's on my heart right now. What is the Lord teaching me right now? What am I struggling with right now? There comes a time in everyone's life and I'm there right now, when it's one of those real pruning, breaking, molding, refining, shaping, defining moments in my life. The times that if you make it through it, you grow up and mature A LOT through it. Right now, I'm in the middle of it and haven't quite made it to the other side. Sometimes I used to wish that the trial would just hurry up and be over and I would just be on the other side of it, but lately I've almost strangely grown to LOVE these times. Another song reference is creeping up. "Wilderness" by the OC Supertones. There is really too much in this song to say. So much of what I am going through and feeling is in this song as in many other songs. It's one of those mind-folding type of songs where you just have to accept the fact that you don't know it all and fall down and lie on your back and gaze up into the deep, deep sky and believe that God is on the other side. You have to accept the fact that God's ways are higher than yours and you don't have to know everything right now. You don't have to know the end of the story. Just trust in the Author who's writing your story. I know I keep changing person or perspective as I'm talking. I'm an English Literature nerd and it's even getting on my own nerves, but I think as I'm writing the Lord is speaking to me so sometimes He changes what "person" or "perspective" I write in.
There's a part in this "Wilderness" song that says, "I have spoken much too soon, put my hand over my mouth, I can't contend with You..." and THAT is where I'm trying to get in this series of blogs. Wow...overload in my brain with too much to say about this...help me Lord to speak what You will. I don't know how else to say it, but to just come right out and say it, and it might sound funny to you, but it sure is honest: I talk too much. THERE! I said it! Amazing how four little words could have so much power behind them. Four LOADED words. What God is showing me right now, and it may be a simple concept to some of you that have already learned it, is that the MOUTH is a powerful tool. For me, when I don't speak with my actual mouth to a person, I type. I can't even explain in words that make sense how many times this has gotten me into trouble. Is "gotten" a word? Well, it is now. Anyway, get behind me Satan and quit knocking me off track! The devil doesn't want me to have victory over this! GO AWAY!
Okay, so God is really revealing to me the power that my words and my tongue really have. This is the part that's hard for me to explain because unless you have an issue with this too, you might not really understand unless you're me. This is the best way I can explain it: Inside my heart and inside my mind, I have GREAT intentions. I have loving, encouraging, understanding, hopeful, helpful, sweet intentions, but I have the HARDEST time coming off that way. Since I'm female, I like to "scenario" in my head A LOT. I will have a conversation or a scenario planned in my head about the way I think it should go. In my mind, it's beautiful, it's uplifting, it's positive, it's encouraging, and it's LOVING and for whatever reason, as soon as I open my mouth, or my fingers go flying on the keyboard, it comes out WRONG. I can't even explain how frustrating this is for me.
This is why I feel like my life is summed up in Romans 7:15-21. "15 I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 16 And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. 17 As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. 18 I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature.[c] For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19 For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. 20 Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. 21 So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me." I have the desire to do what is good, but I CANNOT carry it out. Inside of me, and inside of many others who may struggle with this, there is a WAR going on...an all-out BATTLE constantly. My Spirit desires to say the RIGHT thing, the GODLY thing, the truly, sincere, heartfelt, encouraging thing, but my flesh takes over and I cross the line, end up saying something I shouldn't have, I can't keep my mouth shut, and then I hit "Send" and wonder, "What just now happened?" Don't get me wrong, I'm NOT copping out and BLAMING it on my "sinful flesh" like, "The devil made me do it." "Or, I can't help it, I still live in this fleshly, sinful body." but I guess I'm just working through what the Lord is trying to teach me through this.
Does anyone else struggle with this? Please comment on my Facebook page after you view this, and after you read this (if you've hung in there with me this far). I'll continue more tomorrow...too much for today already. See, I told you I talk too much. :)
In the meantime, listen to the song "Wilderness" by the OC Supertones. When Justin and I went on our honeymoon, we must have played and replayed this song, over and over and over again one hundred thousand times all the way there and back. This song is such a wonderful memory for us. Just click on the blue letters below to hear it:
"Wilderness" by OC Supertones
Let me know if you want me to message you the lyrics. Otherwise, just listen to it over and over again until you get the chorus down like a cool ska rap like we did!
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Apron Full of Stains
Have you ever heard the song "Everything (Apron Full of Stains)" by the band, The Normals? They were a one-hit wonder Christian band and I am not even sure if they are still together today. I have ALWAYS loved that song, and today I realized why. I am surprised it never hit me before. That song is about my mother. My mother spent a lot of years working as a waitress.
My mother Amelia, was born on October 11th, 1947, the youngest of three children. She dropped out of school at the age of 15 and started smoking and drinking. She married and divorced several times in her life....and then she met my Dad. My Dad looked at this woman who had two children with two different men and he loved her....he accepted her....he pursued her. My parents got married in Las Vegas at The Little White Church on December 18, 1975. When my mother was pregnant with me, the doctors discovered she had cervical cancer. They told her they wanted to do a cone biopsy or remove a portion of her cervix, but it would most likely abort me. They told her if they didn't do it, then the cancer could spread and she could possibly die. So, she was faced with a choice...she told them not to do it. The doctors told her to be prepared for this child to be deformed, retarded, or not fully developed.
On Christmas morning, 1978 my mother went to the bathroom at home and felt the umbilical cord hanging out. My Dad rushed her to the hospital and we were put in ICU. My Mom said there were code blues all over the hospital that day. My Mom said the hospital chaplain was there and our pastor at St. Paul's came and he asked my Dad, "Do you want me to baptize your daughter after she comes out?" because they thought I would be dead, and my Mom said my Dad broke down crying. When I came out, I wasn't breathing so the nurses put me off to the side and started working on me and they got me to breathing after about 3 minutes. I only weighed 4 lbs. and 10 oz. No one told me this story until I was about 8 or 9. After that, my Grandpa told the story every Christmas before Christmas dinner. He told me how he sat at his kitchen table and prayed that I would make it.
When I was 9 months old, my mother filed for divorce from my Dad. Like I said, she had been married and divorced many times before....but my father never left me. They lived together for six months after the filing and they were considered "common-law married". Even though he wasn't going to be her husband, he was still going to be my Dad. He never left me or forsook me. When he said "'til death do us part" he meant it. My Dad has only been married once to one woman, my mother. When they say some people have the same view of God that they have for their earthly father figure, this is VERY true for me. When they say women want to marry someone like their Dad, this is VERY true for me. My father never left me...he didn't have to stay, but he did for me. That's how much he loves me, and that's the only kind of love I know how to give away.
I never found out about the divorce filing until I was 22 years old. I was so upset about it that I moved out of my parent's house and in with my best friend's family. I struggled with anger towards my mother for a very long time so I moved to California for awhile just to get farther away from her. I was born and raised in the same, small town all my life and had to have a change of scenery. September 11th happened just a few months before and I thought, "Hey, you only live once right? Why not?" and I thought if I had the opportunity to move, why not try it. So, I left my comfy church, my comfy friends, and my comfy life to go "find myself" outside of my comfort zone in a new place. You wanna know what happened? I lost myself...literally lost myself. I had a few Christian friends around me, but for the most part I was rebelling. I was running. I spent six months in Southern California working a part-time job making $8.00 an hour and had no car or apartment.
During a Mother's Day sermon in May of 2002, I heard someone read the book "Love You Forever" for the first time. I knew I needed to go home. I made the decision to come back home. When I got back, there were a few who said, "I told you so..." but even more who simply received me and loved me again. The thing was, everyone remembered who I was before I left and they were expecting me to be that same person, but I had no clue who that was.
I came crawling back to God like the prodigal son and He received me. He loved me anyway. He chose to bless me with a husband and two beautiful children despite all my mistakes. He chose to give me these blessings to show me how much He loves me! He chose to forgive me and love me anyway! He stayed with me even though I left Him. He walked beside me even though I pushed Him away.
So ask me....ask me if I think God has a plan for my life. Before He laid the foundation of the world, He had a plan for me. Before I was ever born, He set me apart (Jeremiah). Ask me if I believe that He knit me together in my mother's womb? Ask me if I believe that He is the ONLY reason I am alive today? How could I possibly WASTE my life? How could I possibly look God in the eye and say, "You made a mistake." How could I take the life He has given me and selfishly live it for ME?
Please listen to this song and think about what it means to give God EVERYTHING. Click on the link below with the title of the song to hear it:
"Everything (Apron Full of Stains)" by The Normals
My mother Amelia, was born on October 11th, 1947, the youngest of three children. She dropped out of school at the age of 15 and started smoking and drinking. She married and divorced several times in her life....and then she met my Dad. My Dad looked at this woman who had two children with two different men and he loved her....he accepted her....he pursued her. My parents got married in Las Vegas at The Little White Church on December 18, 1975. When my mother was pregnant with me, the doctors discovered she had cervical cancer. They told her they wanted to do a cone biopsy or remove a portion of her cervix, but it would most likely abort me. They told her if they didn't do it, then the cancer could spread and she could possibly die. So, she was faced with a choice...she told them not to do it. The doctors told her to be prepared for this child to be deformed, retarded, or not fully developed.
On Christmas morning, 1978 my mother went to the bathroom at home and felt the umbilical cord hanging out. My Dad rushed her to the hospital and we were put in ICU. My Mom said there were code blues all over the hospital that day. My Mom said the hospital chaplain was there and our pastor at St. Paul's came and he asked my Dad, "Do you want me to baptize your daughter after she comes out?" because they thought I would be dead, and my Mom said my Dad broke down crying. When I came out, I wasn't breathing so the nurses put me off to the side and started working on me and they got me to breathing after about 3 minutes. I only weighed 4 lbs. and 10 oz. No one told me this story until I was about 8 or 9. After that, my Grandpa told the story every Christmas before Christmas dinner. He told me how he sat at his kitchen table and prayed that I would make it.
When I was 9 months old, my mother filed for divorce from my Dad. Like I said, she had been married and divorced many times before....but my father never left me. They lived together for six months after the filing and they were considered "common-law married". Even though he wasn't going to be her husband, he was still going to be my Dad. He never left me or forsook me. When he said "'til death do us part" he meant it. My Dad has only been married once to one woman, my mother. When they say some people have the same view of God that they have for their earthly father figure, this is VERY true for me. When they say women want to marry someone like their Dad, this is VERY true for me. My father never left me...he didn't have to stay, but he did for me. That's how much he loves me, and that's the only kind of love I know how to give away.
I never found out about the divorce filing until I was 22 years old. I was so upset about it that I moved out of my parent's house and in with my best friend's family. I struggled with anger towards my mother for a very long time so I moved to California for awhile just to get farther away from her. I was born and raised in the same, small town all my life and had to have a change of scenery. September 11th happened just a few months before and I thought, "Hey, you only live once right? Why not?" and I thought if I had the opportunity to move, why not try it. So, I left my comfy church, my comfy friends, and my comfy life to go "find myself" outside of my comfort zone in a new place. You wanna know what happened? I lost myself...literally lost myself. I had a few Christian friends around me, but for the most part I was rebelling. I was running. I spent six months in Southern California working a part-time job making $8.00 an hour and had no car or apartment.
During a Mother's Day sermon in May of 2002, I heard someone read the book "Love You Forever" for the first time. I knew I needed to go home. I made the decision to come back home. When I got back, there were a few who said, "I told you so..." but even more who simply received me and loved me again. The thing was, everyone remembered who I was before I left and they were expecting me to be that same person, but I had no clue who that was.
I came crawling back to God like the prodigal son and He received me. He loved me anyway. He chose to bless me with a husband and two beautiful children despite all my mistakes. He chose to give me these blessings to show me how much He loves me! He chose to forgive me and love me anyway! He stayed with me even though I left Him. He walked beside me even though I pushed Him away.
So ask me....ask me if I think God has a plan for my life. Before He laid the foundation of the world, He had a plan for me. Before I was ever born, He set me apart (Jeremiah). Ask me if I believe that He knit me together in my mother's womb? Ask me if I believe that He is the ONLY reason I am alive today? How could I possibly WASTE my life? How could I possibly look God in the eye and say, "You made a mistake." How could I take the life He has given me and selfishly live it for ME?
Please listen to this song and think about what it means to give God EVERYTHING. Click on the link below with the title of the song to hear it:
"Everything (Apron Full of Stains)" by The Normals
(that's me sitting on my Mom's lap, I was 4 yrs old)
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