Hey ya'll...I'm feeling...........depressed. I don't really know why, I'm just in a funk I guess. Doesn't this happen to all of us from time to time? I'm just down in the dumps, not very cheery, and kinda "poor 'ol me". Pathetic, I know. I couldn't sleep at all last night, I was just wrestling with something internally and can't quite put my finger on it. I'm just restless inside! It's like all my thoughts were floating around and I just couldn't focus or get a clear view of any of them. I've got a cloud hanging over me and I don't know what it is.
If you're about to say, "Well, get in the Word and pray, Wendy." I already have. I've been reading my Bible, my devotionals, and books more lately than I have in a long time. I actually even started journaling again. It's crazy, it's like when I started journaling again, all this stuff got stirred up inside. All of what I'm feeling might not make sense to any of you, but I'll just say it anyway. This is the randomness that is in my head all the time right now.
I'm reading and hearing about what everyone else is doing for God lately and I feel.........left out. Not like anyone is making me feel left out, but I make my own self feel left out. Does that even make sense at all? I'm hearing about these families doing awesome, amazing, life-changing things for God like moving their families to Africa, or going on amazing mission trips, or studying abroad in Europe, or writing books, and I'm like, "Hi, I'm a stay-at-home Mom raising two kids and.....I go to church.....that's pretty much it." I just feel like such a dud. Like on the movie "Charlotte's Web" when the goose tells Wilbur that one of her kids is a dud. Never hatched, never developed, good for nothing. That's what I'm feeling...good for nothing. I'm at one of those points in my life where I don't feel like I'm making a difference, making an impact, changing anyone's life or even leaving an impression. It all sounds really silly and if you think about it very "me-focused" and I know that's not right. My heart is NOT in the right place, or maybe it is? Maybe God wants me to be dissatisfied with the way my life is right now because He IS calling me to something higher and preparing me for something more.
I know I'm not supposed to live for man's praise and accolades, or compare myself to others, but one of my main love languages is Words of Affirmation and I just feel like I'm coursing through life right now going through the motions and just.....existing. I'm just breathing in and breathing out and I'm tired of doing the same 'ol, same 'ol every day and every week. I'm tired of the monotony and complacency of my life right now. Maybe I'm just bored? I don't know...I see all these other people doing ADVENTUROUS things for God and with their whole lives and I feel like what I do doesn't matter and even worse, won't matter in eternity. I feel like my life doesn't count for much. Isn't that like the worst thing I could possibly ever say? CHRIST DIED FOR ME...I am worth the life of Jesus Christ. How could I say my life doesn't count for much? I guess what I AM actually saying is, "What have I done with the life that Jesus saved? What am I doing with my life? Am I living my life for me or for Christ? Am I in the middle of God's will? Am I seeking God's will?" These are probably the healthier questions I should be asking. I guess I just don't want to grow stale.
I guess I just need some reassurance, affirmation, and validation that I am in the right place doing the right thing right now.....that what I do actually matters. I know the point isn't to be seen or heard or in the spotlight and that's not even what I'm asking for or what I want...I guess I just want to know that what I AM doing actually matters...is important...is appreciated. I know it's not God's will for me to stay in this mindset of "No one would miss me if I was gone..." and it's not healthy either....but I still have days like this. I still feel this way from time to time. We all need to hear encouraging words from time to time whether your love language is Words of Affirmation or not, but lately I feel really dry and really empty and need them more than most.
Wendy, not only are you a writer, you are a creative, sensitive wonderful person that God crafted and wove and He is working in you now!! He has allowed you to be a MOM and you are a part of weaving your children's story!!! I am in the process of writing a book about raising children, it may never get published but I am writing it because I love those years. Did I get bored and frustrated? YES Did I feel like everyone except me was doing exciting stuff? YES but most of the time I didn't care. The title of the book is going to be The Long and Whiny Road and to be honest I miss those days!! Well Sarah still whines some. LOL Love you, hang in there!!
ReplyDeleteWendy,
ReplyDeleteI can honestly say that I am right there with you...in fact it was just a couple of weeks ago that I told Haven that I was feeling the same things you described. It is so frustrating to be in that dreary, damp, foggy place. I just want you to know something, something very real. I so look up to you in many ways. You are raising your children in a very Godly home as a wonderful Godly mother and woman...how blessed are they!!! I was going through a very rough divorce when Rachel was around 2 - 3 yrs old...she had to grow up very quickly and I was not in church like I should have been. And with Shepard I missed much of his childhood because of Dental school. I really feel like I missed out on so much that I cannot get back. God is good though and Rachel is a wonderful Christian young woman and mother and Shepard is a great young man. I just miss them, them as children in my lap or on the floor. I miss something that i cannot replace. I so admire your musical abilities!! When I see you play guitar and sing, I wish that I would have not given up on those guitar lessons I tried a few years ago, I with that I had a musical instrument that I could just praise the Lord with in my home, by myself, alone, just me and God. I enjoy reading your posts and your blogs,you are so transparent and that is so refreshing in a world full of facades and superficiality!! Your are real, you are God's child, You worship and Praise Him and He loves you dearly and He sings over you because you are His. (Zephania 3:17) Love you Lisa G.
Hey Wendy...maybe God is making you unsettled to move you in a direction that will challenge you..get ready...for me it hits when I think I am not doing anything for God and then WHAM! I love those moments, they are intense, fruitful and time when God reveals His heart to me. Keep seeking...you'll find.
ReplyDeleteYes, everyone has days like you described. Some days we just feel down, depressed, unloved, left out, meaningless and the list goes on and on…….
ReplyDeleteWendy, please do not allow what others are doing for God rob you of the life you are living for God. God has you in Enid for His purposes and plans.
Being a stay-at-home mom, raising two children and going to church, is very good. Also, I couldn't agree more with the others as to who you are in Christ.
The life God has given to you is a precious gift from Him. Living out the life God has given you is very simple: love Jesus, love others and love yourself. When you do, you
Are doing exactly what Jesus has asked you to do with the life He saved*
You are living your life for Christ and not yourself*
You are smack dab in the middle of God’s will*
You are seeking to do His will*
You are doing what matters, what is important and other will appreciate being loved*
You will be making a difference, making an impact, changing lives and leaving a Godly impression*
The blessings of loving Jesus, others and yourself will change the way you view your life. I love you and I am here for you.
--Deb
*Answers to the questions you asked in your blog.