Casting Pearls: Part 4

Yeah, I thought I was done too, but no.  I'm struggling ya'll.  I'm really struggling and I'm really hurting.  On one hand I feel like the world is looking at me and saying, "Alright Wendy, we got it, will you just shut up already?" and on the other hand, I feel like I am standing in the middle of a crowded room screaming at the top of my lungs and no one can hear me.  I still feel misunderstood.  I am still at war with myself.  I feel extremely frustrated because I feel like I have a lot to say, but no one who will listen.  What I really feel is alone because I don't know anyone else who is like me....who thinks like me.  I feel like as soon as I open my mouth I am misinterpreted.  I feel literally torn up inside.  I feel a longing and a burden to get things off my chest and off my heart, but at the same time, everyone around me is saying, "Just keep it to yourself, not everyone has to know how you feel, not everyone has to agree with you."  I don't care if people agree with me or not, I just want someone to say, "I understand. I hear you."  That's it.  I feel stifled, I feel smothered, I feel suffocated.  I feel restrained and held down and again, I feel like I have a heart and a purpose behind what I say and what I do and people are still missing my HEART.

This might explain it even better.  I am being told by the spiritual influences around me that I need to go, get out, serve, and do more to impact people around me for Christ.  I am being told that I need to find the Lord's purpose for me and live it out.  I am being told to stop wasting time and sitting on the sidelines and not being involved.  I am constantly reminded that the Lord created me for a reason and I just have to find out what that is.  I'm reminded of the joy I had when I first accepted Christ and the burden I had for the lost.  Back then I had a lot of zeal, but no knowledge.  Now that I have more knowledge about how to share the Gospel and how to love, I want to GET OUT AND DO IT.  I don't want to live in the past of where I was with Christ and expect to go back to how I felt when I first got saved.  I want God to do a NEW THING in me.  The problem is I still feel held back.  I feel like I'm ready to go, ready to do, and ready to serve, but there's something holding me back.  Maybe I am still living in the past.

When I read my old journals and see the things I used to write about to God and see where my relationship was with Him, I think, "Who was that person?"  When I think back over 14 years and think about all the things I was doing in ministry and for Christ, I look at where I am now and all I'm NOT doing and I say, "What happened? How did I get here?"  Like I said once before, and this is a HUGE point:  I wish that being married and being a mother brought MORE glory to God than I could ever do on my own.  I guess in some ways I still want the relationship I had with God when I was single.  Please don't misunderstand me.  I know that being married has taught me a lot about my relationship with Christ and about forgiveness and love in a way I would never know it before, but sometimes I miss the intimacy I had when it was just me and Jesus, ya know?

It's the same with becoming a Mommy.  My husband and I were friends for 4 years before we ever got married.  We were married for nearly six years before we had our first child and only six months to get used to that before we found out we were having another.  Our oldest son is almost three and I guess I am still learning how to juggle everything that comes with being a mother.  It's really hard for me because I did not have the greatest example of a mother growing up, but I'm trying.  Sometimes and probably most times I try too hard.  I put a lot of pressure on myself to be and do everything just right and I need to let go A LOT.  On the other hand though, I can't sit still and let things go for very long.  I really can't stand idleness or laziness especially from myself.  Back to what I was saying...I have always said since the children were born that I never wanted them to be the reason that we couldn't be involved in something or the reason that we couldn't serve.  I think what's bothering me is before they got here, we were really involved, really serving, and really doing a lot.  I know I struggled with a bit of post-partum depression after Isaac was born because the switch from being a single individual being on my own to taking care of another human's needs was quite a..........transition for me.  Sorry...searching for the right word.  When Jenna was born it was easier for me because it didn't rock my world as much.  I guess what I'm struggling with, is inside my heart I still want to be able to do what I did before and be who I was before.  I know I really can't though, so then the struggle becomes, how do I do all this stuff WITH them?  I want them to be a part of these things WITH me, but they are so little that it is challenging.  I know they are going to grow up so fast and I am going to blink and they're gone and wish they were small again, but this season they are in is very challenging.

When I sit back and think about what the Lord wrote for me and my life and asking myself, "Am I fulfilling His purpose or am I idling?", I think, "Surely I am meant for more than just sitting in this house, cleaning, doing laundry, doing dishes, making meals, going shopping, paying bills, changing diapers, giving baths, reading, singing, teaching..."  I feel purposeless...I feel sidelined, and I feel unusable.  I guess I'm having a hard time seeing what good my life is doing.  Lately, since I can't keep my mouth shut I've been thinking about moving under the nearest rock and staying there for the rest of my life.  I'm looking at what other people are doing and saying, "I wanna do THAT!"  I'm really trying to search out my spiritual gifts and see what materials God used to fashion me, but when I found out what they were I thought, "Where can I use that?"  I wish the survey came with a guide that said, "If you have the gift of this, then you belong here..." and whatever.

So what is holding me back?  Is something or someone holding me back?  I feel like opportunity only knocks once and the Lord will only stride with me for so long.  I feel like, "What's the point of getting so excited about going and doing if I keep getting told to wait?"  Maybe I'm just not ready yet...maybe there's still something I need to learn...speak to me Lord, for Your child is here.