When I was in 6th grade at McKinley Elementary, I started on the bells. I had a set of bells and plastic mallets that came in this long, heavy carrying case. This was my instrument. All the percussionists started on the bells. Halfway through the year, all the percussionists move up to snare drum...but not me, I stayed on the bells. At 6th grade graduation, I got the Outstanding Band Student Award from Leon Jewell, my first band instructor. I'll never forget all the boys hassling me and saying "You got the award and you're a BELL PLAYER?" like it was the dumbest thing they'd ever heard.
So, I played "the bells" from 6th to 12th grade. Actually, I played the bells, the crash cymbals, the triangle, the gong, the chimes, the bass drum, the snare, the tympani, the xylophone, the vibraphone, and the marimba. When I got to high school, I began playing the marimba and took private lessons for three years. I. LOVED. IT. I did the 4-mallet method and this was my forte. My home life was not great and music was my getaway. It understood me when nothing else in my life made sense. I poured my heart and soul into it.
When it came time to decide on a college, that decision was easy for me. I was going to attend Oklahoma State University in Stillwater and major in Instrumental Music Education and become a band director. This was my dream. After all, ALL my band friends from high school were going there and I wanted to stay with them. The last thing I wanted to do was follow my two older sisters to UCO in Edmond and continue to be known as the tag-along sister for the rest of my life. I desperately wanted to chart my own course and do my own thing. I wanted to rebel and get away.
So, I auditioned at OSU for the head of the music department, Wayne Bovenschen. I auditioned with my three contest pieces on snare, tympani, and marimba. I had been getting "1's" on all of these solo pieces at all of my contests all year and was certain I would ace it. The exact opposite happened. I totally bombed the audition. I was devastated.
So, I took the same three pieces to my second-choice audition at UCO and they gave me a full ride. They gave me a full-tuition, 4-year PAID scholarship to the Instrumental Music Education program. So, I got the major I wanted and God got the school.
My freshman year I was enrolled in music theory, band, class piano 1, recital attendance, applied percussion, and like one regular class...wellness and positive lifestyle i.e. health. At first, I did well. Then, music theory turned into math class when we got into diminished fifths and thirds and intervals and I started failing. I came to a crossroads early of "Either I have to love this with EVERYTHING I have inside and out and give my whole life to it, or I don't."
At the same time I started failing theory and skipping percussion lessons, I began attending the BSU and church with my roommate and older sister, Chantel. The first event they had to welcome new freshman was a praise night. So, I went. I walked in and sat on the back row. There was a praise band there called "Little Us" and they sang a bunch of songs I had never heard before. I didn't sing much, I mostly just sat on the back row and listened and observed. I still remember the songs that they sang and the words to many of the songs. They sang "If I Could Just Sit With You Awhile" by Dennis Jernigan. It says "If I could just sit with You awhile...if You could just hold me, nothing could touch me though I'm wounded though I die...if I could just sit with You awhile...if You could just hold me...moment by moment 'til forever passes by" and then they sang another song, "O Lead Me" by Delirious. It says "O lead me, to the place where I can find You. O lead me...to the place where You'll be. Lead me to the place where we first met, draw me to my knees so we can talk, let me feel Your breath, let me know You're here with me..."
And I remember thinking to myself, "Wait a minute...what do they mean 'hold me' and 'sit with me so we can talk'?" And I remember actually picturing in my head, sitting with Jesus like underneath a tree and talking to Him. And I thought to myself, 'Can you really sit and TALK to Jesus like that?? Like...He's really there?? Like knee-to-knee or shoulder-to-shoulder like a real friend?? Does He talk back to you??" And as the praise night went on and I looked around the room at the people singing, I thought again to myself, "Hmm...they actually look like they're talking to Someone. Like Jesus is really there. Like they believe they're talking to Him. Like they really have a relationship with Him." And I just kept thinking about the words to the songs and then they sang THE song...the song that played when I got saved. "Rest Easy" by Audio Adrenaline. "Rest easy, have no fear, I love you perfectly, perfect love drives out fear. I'll take your burdens, you take My grace. Rest easy...in My embrace." They sang it over and over and over and over. The more they sang it, the more exhausted I felt, so I just sat down in my chair and began to talk to God. I said, "God, I'm tired. I'm tired of living my life on my own. I don't want to make another decision without You. I don't want to say another word without You. I don't want to take another step without You." And I asked Him to hold me. I had heard it all night so I asked Him to prove Himself to me. I don't know how else to explain it except to say that I felt arms go around me. I believe all my life I was falling and at that moment God caught me.
Not long after that night, God woke me up at 3:30am in my dorm room and I couldn't sleep. So, I walked out of the dorms to the sand volleyball courts right outside the room I shared with my sister. I sat down at the edge of the court and began playing with the sand. I thought, "If I hold onto this sand real tight, it doesn't fall through my fingers...but if I begin to open my hand, the sand falls through and I can't hang on." And I realized...I had God in one hand and music in the other and God was opening my hand and He was beginning to take music away from me and it hurt so bad. I began mourning over my lost love for music and I realized then what an idol I had made out of music. God told me then that He didn't want me to give music the credit for making it to school, but to give Him the credit and the glory! God told me then that I would not be happy, satisfied, or fulfilled in life unless I was serving Him 24/7. He was calling me to fill both of my hands with Him and join Him in creating the beautiful sand castle He was forming out of my life. He told me He was taking music away from me, but He promised me He would give it back...I just didn't know how or when.
That was the moment I believe God called me into the ministry. I gave up my scholarship and never finished school. I had my plans made and my life all mapped out, but God had a better plan. I joined the BSU praise band playing tambourine and I joined a singing group called "PROMISE". In October 1999, I went to a Point of Grace concert and heard a girl play the guitar for the first time. I thought, "Hey, I'd like to try that..." So I got a chord book and started on a mini guitar and played until my fingers bled. Then, I began writing songs. I went with a group from the BSU to Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary in Fort Worth, TX to search out God's call for my life. I picked three sessions to attend. I naturally thought music ministry was it, but then I went to a session for youth ministry and also one for Christian counseling and felt a call towards working with youth. I met my husband who was a youth minister at the time in a praise band at the BSU in Enid and the rest is history.
Today I am still working with youth and still leading worship. If I can impact someone through music and worship lyrics in the same way I was impacted, then that's my heart. If I can lead someone to Christ through worship music, then that's what I want to do. God did give music back to me, but not in the way that I imagined. I never imagined I would be playing the guitar in front of students in a church, but I wouldn't trade God's plan for anything. It's better than I ever could have dreamed...I can't wait to see what He has in store next. Here is a song I wrote about what God did in my heart that morning at 3:30am:
“By Your Grace” –music and lyrics by Wendy Mae
Verse 1:
Lord, You are shaping and molding my life
After Your ultimate plan
Sifting and forming You take precious time
With every grain of sand
Lead-In:
And though I’m not able to see Your design
‘Cause I have a limited view
I trust in You with my heart and my mind
My soul finds faith in Your truth
In Your truth…
Precious truth…
This I know:
CHORUS:
That by Your grace You have saved me
And by Your blood You forgave me
And by Your hand You have raised me
And made me new
Lord, I’m new…
Yes, I’m new…
A brand new creation
Verse 2:
Lord, You are leading and guiding my life
Gently taking my hand
Slowly revealing one glimpse at a time
I’m starting to see who I am
Lead-In:
And though I’m not able to see through Your eyes
‘Cause I have a limited view
I trust in You with my heart and my mind
My soul finds faith in Your truth
In Your truth…
Precious truth…
This I know:
CHORUS To End
Ephesians 2:8-10 “For it is by grace you have been saved, through
faith --- and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God --- not by works,
so that no one can boast. For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus
to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.”
Completed 11-7-03
