This I Know: Part 2

Okay, so this is what God has been up to in me from a spiritual perspective...

Being diagnosed with A-Fib has been a wake-up call for me.  Here I was planning, and planning, and preparing, and working, and planning some more for the biggest summer I had ever had since the kids were born, and God pulled the plug on ALL of it.  He sidelined me.  At first, I felt like I had got my legs just taken out from under me.  I was just stunned.  All I wanted to do was be back at VBS and back at church.  I have always been that way when something serious or life-changing is happening.  I remember the day my Dad had a heart attack when I was a sophomore at Enid High.  Bass Hospital is right by the high school and I was so upset that I had to leave school that day...I just wanted to go back to school.  It was my way of coping with it...I just wished it wasn't happening and that I could go on like it wasn't.  This time it was happening to me though.  I remember looking at the clock on Tuesday morning, the 2nd day of VBS and crying when it got to 9:00am because I knew the Worship Rally was starting and I wasn't there, but I was supposed to be.

Here's what God told me though..."Wendy, I don't need you there right now...I need you here."

Wow...that was humbling.  God told me, "Wendy, I run the world, not you. I cause the sun to rise every day, not you. The world doesn't revolve around you. This isn't about you, it's about me and about my glory being revealed through this situation, so you better stop looking at yourself and start looking at Me."  As my Sunday School teacher would say, "God just knocked me over the head with a 2x4." and it was just what I needed.  :)

Here's the thing, this is what God has been teaching me.  I don't claim to know everything, but this much I do know...every human being on the face of the planet has obviously been created and been born...and every human being on the face of the planet will one day die.  I don't know how that makes you feel, but it brings comfort to me.  When the doctors first told me I was born with a hole in my heart and it took 33 years for me to find out, at first I was a little scared, but then I thought, "Nothing has changed Wendy, it's just that you're just now finding out about it..." and God told me to simply celebrate the way I was made.  Here's the thing...God made me.  God formed me in my mother's womb...fearfully and wonderfully...He doesn't make mistakes.  How can I argue with what He's made? I barely made it into the world on Christmas Day 1978, but I believe that God was there on that day and that He alone breathed breath into my body.  He alone started my heart to beating when I was in my mother's womb....and He alone knows the moment, the day, the time, the second that it will stop....He's already chosen it.  So again, who am I to argue with what He's chosen?  My purpose is to find out why He lets me live another day...every day.  When I die, I don't want to have wasted the life He saved just living for me.  The purpose of this life is to share Jesus with as many people as I can.  That's it.  "Knowing You Jesus, knowing You...there is no greater thing..." yes, this is true, but it's not enough for me to just know it...I want everyone to know it.

There is so much inside my heart that I want to share.  I get so frustrated so many times because I feel stifled half the time and restrained and like I can't say what I want to say.  I'm the type of person who would rather be serious and sincere than sarcastic or joking.  I've always been that way.  Yes, I can joke and be silly from time to time and I like to let down and have fun as much as the next person, but the majority of the time I'd rather be sincere.  I'd rather say what I need to say now and tell you how I really feel in case I don't get another chance.  I'd rather tell you what you mean to me now than wait until one or the other of us is gone and I wish I would have told you sooner.

At this season in my life I feel God telling me to wait...He's still working on me.  He's got some very real, literal work to do on my heart before I'm ready.  Ready for what?  I'm not sure, but it's gonna be awesome.  So, I feel like I'm in some sort of a holding pattern...just waiting...I'm in the middle of the valley or passing through the mountains now...I'm in the middle of the fire...I haven't reached the other side yet.  I remember when I saw the Rocky Mountains in Colorado for the first time.  I remember asking Justin, "What's on the other side? Can you actually cross over to the other side?" and he said, "Yeah, there are passes that get you there." and that's where I am now...journeying on a pass.  When I get to the other side I will find my voice again and God will give me the words to say then.  Until that day...when my heart flutters, shakes, hurts...I look to God.  In my mind, that's why it's happening...to bring me closer to Him...to cause me to look to Him.  There's nothing "wrong" with me...this is the way He made me.  If anything, it causes me to just exist in awe of Him and His power and what He can do.

Our pastor said it best this past Sunday when he talked about his experience of jumping out of a plane this past weekend, "You better be ready to go before you go..." and "In God's eyes, in the grand scheme of life, this world, and creation, it's all small stuff compared to God's plan..."

I had planned to share some journal excerpts while leading worship for Falls Creek and although this isn't one of them, this one came to mind, "Show me, O Lord, my life's end and the number of my days; let me know how fleeting is my life. You have made my days a mere handbreadth; the span of my years is as nothing before you. Each man's life is but a breath. But now, Lord, what do I look for? My hope is in you." ~Psalm 39:4-5, 7

I heard this song shortly after I got out of the hospital and it has encouraged me. Click on the title of the song below to hear it:

You Are My Shepherd by Tricia Brock

This I Know: Part 1

Wow...wow...wow......all I can say is WOW!  The past weeks and months since my last post have been QUITE an AMAZING journey!  I really don't know if I can put it all into words or contain it all in one post, but this is my feeble attempt to share what God has been up to in my life.  This first part is a basic rundown of facts of what God has been up to in me physically and medically.

Long story short...I lost my whole summer.  Very weird, but very wonderful at the same time.  When one summer of events is over, you already begin thinking about and planning for the next summer.  After Christmas, starting in January, our church already begins planning the summer events!  My summer events included 3 back-to-back weeks in a row of VBS (Vacation Bible School), Falls Creek, and VBS again at another church within our church's Association.  Here I am beginning planning in FEBRUARY!  Weeks and weeks of preparations, meetings, planning, practicing, etc. all leading up to one day.....June 11th.

Monday, June 11th - Day 1 of VBS.  This day would change my life forever.  On the Sunday night before VBS started, I stayed up late.  I stayed up late Saturday and Sunday night typing up PowerPoint slides for worship at Falls Creek.  In fact, I spent so much time on Falls Creek planning that I didn't learn ALL of the days of my VBS songs.  I knew enough for the first day and for the theme song.  I had planned to practice for the rest of the week on Monday afternoon/evening.  In the middle of the night on Monday morning, at about 3am, Jenna woke up crying.  She wanted to sleep in our room, so Justin went to get her and brought her in.  After that, I was awake ALL night until 6am, when I had to get up.  So, first day of VBS and I had ZERO sleep.  I drank a tiny bit of a breakfast shake, a LOT of coffee, a little bit of water, and headed out the door with the kids.  Right before the last class of the day, I got a little shaky, a little dizzy, a little light-headed.  I headed upstairs and grabbed a quick snack just to have something in my stomach.  I finished out the end gathering and drama practice and took the kids home.  Justin picked them up some lunch and we ate and I put Jenna to bed.  I was on my way to put Isaac to bed and after that I was going to take a nap myself.  Then, I went outside to throw something away and brought the trash can up from the curb.  That's when it hit...

My heart began thumping and racing and I immediately felt as if I would faint.  My hands got sweaty, I got dizzy, and I rushed inside the house and straight to the couch to lie down and put my feet up.  My heart was going at what felt like a million beats a minute.  Let me just say that this has happened before.  I have had heart flutters before and I have been able to make it stop by putting my feet up, drinking water, taking a nap, eating something, holding my breath, etc.  I had just eaten and drank some pop and was trying to make it stop, but I couldn't.  I began to panic.  I couldn't make it stop and it was going faster and faster and faster.  Isaac was still up so I asked him to bring me the phone.  I called my husband and told him I was going to pass out.  He said he was on his way home.  Before he could get there, I dialed 911.  I could not get my heart to slow down.  I thought, "Maybe they can help me get it down and treat me here at the house and not take me in..." but I also wanted to know what was going on and wanted a medical professional to look at me.  So, they showed up and tried to get it to stop and they couldn't either.  So, they took me in.

I arrived at the ER at about 2:15pm.  Long-story short, they diagnosed me with atrial fibrillation.  My heart rate was 225 when they picked me up and normal is 80-100.  I was in the ER until 6:30pm when they admitted me to a hospital room right outside of ICU.  Their original plan was to put me in ICU since I was a cardiac patient, but they didn't have a bed available in ICU.  My heart was in atrial fibrillation and out of rhythm until 9pm that night...for seven hours straight.  Finally, with the combination of 3 IV meds at once, my heart rate converted back to what they call "normal sinus rhythm".  Thank God, they didn't have to shock me!  I've heard they electrocute you with the defibrillator pads to get your heart to convert back and thank God they didn't have to do that to me!

So, the most basic way to explain atrial fibrillation is that there is an electrical misfire in my heart's electrical system....much like a car battery.  The misfire occurs and sends my heart into A-Fib.  A-Fib just means that the top two chambers of my heart are going faster than the bottom chambers.  A-Fib commonly makes the bottom chambers of your heart just stop...the top chambers just shake.  That's exactly what it feels like too.  The danger in this is that the blood can pool in the bottom of your heart, coagulate, and then send a blood clot straight to your brain and cause a stroke instantly.  So, the main risk is stroke.  So, I am on a medicine, a Beta Blocker that controls my heart rate and blood pressure and I'm also on 325mg of Aspirin to keep my blood thin.

So, my first night in the hospital, they over-compensated on the meds and I bottomed out.  My heart rate was 48 and the top number on my blood pressure was 74.  So, they stopped the meds at about 1 or 2am on doctor's orders.  By 7:00am I had tacked out again and was back up between 135 and 155.  Once I got a dose of the medicine around 7:30am, my heart rate converted again.  On Tuesday, they did an echocardiogram ultrasound on my heart.  This test revealed something I never knew...I have a hole in my heart.  It's called an Atrial Septal Defect and I was born with it....formed in the womb that way...everyone has a hole like this in their heart when they're being formed en utero, but some people's never close....mine never closed.  So...the hole COULD possibly be causing the A-Fib to happen.  This is the danger with ASD...you have oxygenated blood in your heart and you have de-oxygenated blood in your heart.  Because of the hole, I have what they call "cross-directional blood flow" and the blood mixes which means I have poor blood mixing with good blood and poor blood going out to my body which translates to poor circulation, fatigue, etc.  This also causes the right-side of my heart to work harder and the danger is right-side heart enlargement.  So, one heart, two conditions...and as far as I know right now, they're being treated as two separate conditions.  ASD's can cause heart flutters and abnormal heart rhythms and this could very well be why my A-Fib occurred, but they don't know that FOR SURE.

I went into the hospital on Monday and was out by Wednesday right before Noon.  I felt great on the day I got out because I had been lying down most of the time in the hospital.  On the second and third day out of the hospital, I just felt very tired.  The medicine lowered my heart rate and blood pressure so much that I was so dizzy and sleepy.  I called the doctor's office and asked if I could lower my dose and they said I could cut each 50mg pill in half and take 25mg twice a day instead.  I'm still tired and have received permission to half it again so, we'll see how that goes.

Since I got out of the hospital, I have missed VBS and Falls Creek, but did get to participate in the Associational VBS at Trinity Baptist, which was a blessing!  During that week I had two follow-up appointments.  One was with a heart specialist in OKC to talk about closing the ASD.  This visit was a referral and recommendation from the heart doctor in Enid who read my ultrasound.  Basically, they want to insert an occluder (clam-shell) device through a catheter in my leg and implant it over the hole.  They said that they can't get a real clear view of the hole through the ultrasound they did so they want to do a more invasive ultrasound called a TEE (transesophegeal echocardiogram) which is a camera tube down my throat.  The good news is that the hole does not appear to be very big and it's not going to get any bigger.  The right-side of my heart is slightly enlarged and there is minimal cross-directional blood flow.  They left it up to me on when I want to schedule the procedure.  My second appointment concentrated more on treating or possibly taking steps to cure the A-Fib.  A-Fib is treated with medication and blood thinners, but can only be cured through something called ablation.  Even then, ablation does not guarantee it will not come back again.  Here's the thing....if they close the hole first, then ablation would have to be done surgically or open-heart...actually through my side/rib cage.  If they do the ablation first before they close the hole, they can do BOTH procedures non-invasively with catheters.  The Enid heart specialist contradicted what the OKC specialist said a bit in that he said that he did NOT think that closing the hole would make me feel better.  In fact, he was concerned that it would make my A-Fib worse.  Basically, I think what he is most concerned about is that he wants me to have the A-Fib cured or treated before I get the hole closed.  So, he put me on a heart monitor for 48-hours to see if the A-Fib is still occurring even while I'm on medicine.  He said that I can be in A-Fib and not even feel it...it mostly occurs at night.  So...I take the heart monitor back in today for them to read it and tell me the results, but it's safe to say I will most likely be scheduling an ablation procedure soon and hopefully it works!  :)  The Enid doc said he knew an electrophysiologist (EP) in OKC who has a 90% cure rate specifically for A-Fib!

So, that's where I am physically and medically......the next part will be about what God is doing in me emotionally and spiritually......